49 - The Seven Phases of a Godly Courtship

[00:00:01] Hi everyone, welcome to The Cult I Left Behind podcast. I'm your host Amanda Briggs and I'm here to tell you my stories of growing up in the IBLP cult with you might know from the dugger family

[00:00:15] And I'm your other host Kyle Briggs, I'm Amanda's husband and I have not heard most of these stories before so stay tuned and we'll all get traumatized together

[00:00:25] Alright, welcome back to the next episode, what do you have for us today, Amanda?

[00:00:35] More courtship, because there's so much courtship and the cult, there's just so much to it

[00:00:41] I didn't expect that to be such a big part of it or I guess for to take this video episodes to get through it

[00:00:48] There's so much material on it which is part of why it's taking so long to get through it

[00:00:54] We're not done yet

[00:00:55] No

[00:00:56] I guess I'm trying to think back to why, I mean this was the whole basis of

[00:01:04] Being good and pure in the cult was how you went about relationships

[00:01:09] Which is so interesting and part of the reason I started the podcast with stories about Bill and his brothers and how they violated

[00:01:17] Everything they taught about purity culture and

[00:01:20] How to be properly sexual as a human being under God according to them

[00:01:26] Was because I knew we were gonna get to this eventually in the contrast between what Bill taught and what Bill did is enormous

[00:01:34] I mean he didn't you didn't follow any of these principles at all

[00:01:39] No, he didn't and

[00:01:42] Also, I feel like that's part of the control

[00:01:44] It is so much a control the relationships

[00:01:47] Well, I guess something that I figured out as an adult and I know this is obvious

[00:01:52] And it's gonna sound funny, but like humans are sexual beings

[00:01:55] What a concept that wasn't

[00:01:58] That wasn't really an idea or a concept that I grasped or knew about until I think after I was already married to my ex

[00:02:08] Because we were taught like no, that's a bad part of you. That's the cardinal part of you

[00:02:12] That's the evil part of you shut it down. It's bad. It's bad. It's bad and

[00:02:18] I think that that's why

[00:02:20] There was so much emphasis on

[00:02:23] courtship and sexuality in the cult was because it was

[00:02:26] a way to exert control over

[00:02:29] one of the most basic aspects of being a human being and I definitely didn't you know piece that together is a teenager or a young adult

[00:02:38] In the cult. I was like I said out of it and married

[00:02:42] before I started figuring all of that out. Yeah, and that's I mean depending on which

[00:02:47] Model you subscribe to like sex is a basic need of a human being

[00:02:54] Don't tell me some of you guys weren't taught that it's cool

[00:03:00] And I don't think I even learned about those hierarchies of needs and things until college, but yeah

[00:03:07] Well, it's interesting too because

[00:03:10] Like for instance

[00:03:13] All right, this is gonna be a little taboo so everyone like take a deep breath

[00:03:17] Mastervation in the cult was like one of the worsens you could commit right? So I'm just you know going about life is in adults and

[00:03:26] A lot of the work I do is in the field of public health

[00:03:30] So human sexuality is part of that and so I was I was reading some article and this was a long time ago

[00:03:37] And it talked about how men have a higher risk of prostate cancer if they do not have a certain number of ejaculation's a week

[00:03:46] And Bill taught like

[00:03:49] Complete celibacy including like with yourself

[00:03:54] and would actually tell people it was better to be single and to deny sex you out of course

[00:04:00] He wasn't doing that but this is what he taught me had these zealous followers who I'm sure

[00:04:05] I was not the only cult kid who is like I'm gonna ace this going to be perfect at all of this stuff

[00:04:11] So you know, you just you wonder about even the long-term health implications of

[00:04:19] Of being part of that ideology and

[00:04:23] You know even even something I've heard said is like with folks who are really against gay marriage

[00:04:31] And homosexuality in general though say things like well, well the world tells you you need sex

[00:04:37] God never says you need sex. It's the world that tells you you need sex and I sit there and I kind of scratch my head and I'm like

[00:04:44] People kind of like need a healthy sex life to be well in general as adults

[00:04:50] I'm not talking about kids and talking about like consenting adults

[00:04:54] That is like having a healthy relationship with your own sexuality and having a healthy sexual relationship

[00:05:02] Is just part of general wellness and I'm not saying you you can't

[00:05:07] Still be well as a single person who isn't in a sexual relationship there are ways to go about that obviously

[00:05:12] But it's

[00:05:15] It's so ignored like human sexuality is so shamed and shoved down and ignored

[00:05:20] In the cold and Christian culture and other religious environments and and I think we miss out on a huge part of just well being and wellness

[00:05:29] Because of that

[00:05:31] So that's an interesting thing to stop and think about it's

[00:05:37] It's like this very

[00:05:39] basic human

[00:05:42] aspect that gets shamed so

[00:05:46] heavily and I think like all human things there are

[00:05:51] decent ways to go about it and fulfilling the needs you have and stuff like that

[00:05:57] And then there are ways that are very harmful to yourself to those around you to society, etc

[00:06:02] etc. But

[00:06:04] Yeah, I think healthy sexual expression is just part of general human wellness

[00:06:10] And that that's not what we're gonna hear about today

[00:06:16] So what was I guess as far as

[00:06:20] the inward

[00:06:22] What was the teachings and like cold? I mean even in

[00:06:26] How I grew up like I don't specifically recall them saying no

[00:06:32] masturbation really but

[00:06:35] Well, I don't feel like they were gonna like say the word it's like oh yeah, I can't have that. Yeah, so I think it was you know

[00:06:42] It was implied and there was a lot of like

[00:06:45] Beating around the bush for lack of a better term

[00:06:49] Around that and it was definitely no go

[00:06:53] I don't remember hearing about masturbation in the cold

[00:06:58] In an implicit way to do even like know about it. I know how forthcoming were they or how

[00:07:06] Not very I knew there was something bad

[00:07:09] You know and then it wasn't until I went off to the moody babble institute where that was a huge hot topic about

[00:07:16] You know purity and and how to remain pure. Did I ever tell the story about like the cumbaia thing in my dorm?

[00:07:24] I don't think so

[00:07:26] So one of the women in my dorm decided to share her testimony

[00:07:30] I think I told in one of the previous episodes about how we did that we would like

[00:07:35] Take turns doing our testimony in front of everyone and her testimony was how she struggled with masturbation because you know that's

[00:07:43] Yeah, let me be heard this part of your testimony because you can't be a good Christian

[00:07:47] I'm sorry

[00:07:49] I've heard a lot of testimonies that I've never heard that one and you know she was crying and like sharing and it like confessing

[00:07:56] Her sin to us and there were a lot of tears is a lot of other like oh I do that too. It's such a struggle

[00:08:02] I'm so evil and bad and

[00:08:05] Oh, that's what it was

[00:08:07] Okay, so so it was like the teaching I always got was around porn and it was like porn was the attachment

[00:08:16] Like it was attached or associated with masturbation. So it was like no porn meant no masturbation

[00:08:23] Okay, so women were expected to not struggle with porn

[00:08:28] Which I think is statistically

[00:08:30] You know probable but

[00:08:33] There wasn't really talk of females in porn and the moody bubble and so do that was for the guys the guys

[00:08:39] You know talked about that a lot and had to confess it a lot

[00:08:42] But um for the women it was it was masturbation and

[00:08:47] Again, I'll just fall through the floor

[00:08:50] About all of this I thought at the time that masturbation meant any

[00:08:57] Contact with with your own genitalia like any contact

[00:09:02] You weren't not supposed to touch any part of your own body in that way and

[00:09:13] Well, I'll just share this in case it helps people who have also been through sexual trauma. Okay, so

[00:09:18] a little bit of a trigger warning, but this is going to be more medical

[00:09:22] So people men women who have been sexually assaulted often have significant pelvic pain

[00:09:30] Because one of the defense mechanisms is they like

[00:09:34] Coench up all the muscles just from the trauma from trying to protect themselves moving forward

[00:09:41] It's a defensive mechanism

[00:09:43] So there's a lot of pain associated with like prolonged clenching of all of your pelvic muscles

[00:09:50] Guys also have a pelvic floor

[00:09:52] And you can actually work with a pelvic floor therapist to resolve this issue, which is what I eventually did physical therapist

[00:09:59] A pelvic floor physical therapist. Yes, that is what I meant to say

[00:10:03] There are a highly trained and you can get

[00:10:06] Folks who are specially certified

[00:10:08] You don't you don't just go to a physical therapist and ask for pelvic floor

[00:10:11] PT you go to someone who's been like specially trained and certified

[00:10:15] And you can usually find them like adophysical therapy clinic. They'll have a specialist

[00:10:20] And those people are usually amazingly very trauma-informed wonderful because it is a bit invasive

[00:10:26] But totally worth it if you struggle with pelvic pain and think it might be well any kind of pelvic pain

[00:10:31] But especially if it's psychologically connected for you, I could be a really helpful thing to consider

[00:10:37] So I had that kind of pain and I would like put pressure on my body trying to

[00:10:42] Relieve the pain and I thought that was masturbation because there was some form of contact with my own body

[00:10:51] Horror of horse again

[00:10:53] Problems when you don't have things defined for you and you're too holy and right just to google it because you know sin

[00:11:00] So I was like wow, I struggle with this too

[00:11:03] I'm sinning in a way. I didn't even realize what so heinous

[00:11:06] So we were all like repenting in my dorm and everyone was sharing that balling their eyes out and people

[00:11:12] I think there was this idea because I'd already shared my testimony of sexual assault

[00:11:16] I think everyone thought that I like

[00:11:19] Must struggle with masturbation in the in like the real sense

[00:11:23] Because of that and if anything, I was like terrified of my own body and only did like pain mitigation

[00:11:30] And so everyone like came and confessed to me

[00:11:32] I had this dream of winning in and out of my dorm or I'm sitting on my bed sobbing their confessions to me

[00:11:38] Well, I was like, I don't know what to do with those but you know

[00:11:41] I'm a kind of person so I just tried to sit with them and assure them that oh, I don't know

[00:11:46] They weren't going to hell which is interesting because I don't know how I got to that point

[00:11:52] I'm just gonna ask this where it all started because everybody will tell you their life story

[00:11:57] I had to start in long before that but yeah, that was another case and so I think I told Chris

[00:12:04] Like I had to confess everything and she didn't say anything. I think she was just mad at me because I was breaking more

[00:12:10] Colt rules and ever circled back with her and cleared that up after I figured out what it actually meant

[00:12:16] So it was like this hot topic and that's eventually

[00:12:21] Because of all these women talking to me. I eventually did have to go like Google it and figure out exactly what

[00:12:27] Mastervation meant then I was like oh that's definitely now and I was doing

[00:12:32] So that's cool. I'm not going to hell all these other people are but like I'm not so I guess that's kind of good

[00:12:38] But now we all have to get saved again or something

[00:12:41] So I finally figured that out and and then there was just you know intense shame

[00:12:47] on all of all of the women there in particular for like you can't have boobs

[00:12:53] You can't have a butt you can't know your own body. You can't touch your own body. You can't do anything like you are just

[00:12:59] to be a good Christian woman

[00:13:02] you are

[00:13:03] Completely naive

[00:13:05] Unexperience in any way and

[00:13:08] The guy's not gonna be though because boys will be boys

[00:13:11] but you got to show up to that marriage bed like

[00:13:15] Untouched even by yourself and

[00:13:20] What I'm just sitting here so many years from that ideology like

[00:13:28] The oppression

[00:13:31] The double-stander

[00:13:34] Yeah

[00:13:36] So was there any what was like the actual teachings within the cold? I was everything around it specifically did they

[00:13:43] Like say they even say masturbation or was it like this?

[00:13:47] I don't remember that word coming up but also like

[00:13:54] That makes sense that they would like they're trying to hide that so much that there's not going to even address it

[00:14:00] And like don't even say the word hopefully

[00:14:03] These kids remain ignorant to the fact that that's even a thing

[00:14:08] You know like when you put a name to it and it creates curiosity and it's like oh

[00:14:13] What is this thing that telling me not to learn about like people are curious or kids are definitely curious and if you

[00:14:20] Even mention it

[00:14:22] figure it out

[00:14:24] Gosh, what I just

[00:14:26] I look back at it. What a shame filled way to

[00:14:30] Experience the world because like

[00:14:32] I mean

[00:14:34] Teenage boys or boys going through puberty they have stuff happen that they have no control over

[00:14:39] They wake up and it's like oh, that happened and don't know what's going on

[00:14:43] But like that's just a normal part of being a human and

[00:14:47] Instead it's turned into this horrendously shame filled thing

[00:14:53] And

[00:14:54] Yeah, just I mean I've talked before about the women at the movie of I've all instituted who we get engaged and they just

[00:15:01] Scared out their minds because they knew something was common but they didn't know what and to what extent and how and why and all of the things

[00:15:10] And so there's just this whole part of your own being

[00:15:15] That is shut away from you and you're taught to be horrendously ashamed of it

[00:15:21] until such a time as you are wed and then you are supposed to know everything and

[00:15:27] I think my stories

[00:15:30] With my ex is a pretty

[00:15:33] telling

[00:15:34] example of

[00:15:36] What happens when you shut that down like we were so incompatible

[00:15:40] in terms of what we

[00:15:42] Wanted needed expected out of a sexual relationship and a marriage that it blew up in a very harmful way

[00:15:50] And so I don't I have just such a different stance on these things these days and I mean

[00:15:57] I'm probably still too conservative for some folks because

[00:16:02] I didn't sleep around

[00:16:05] I think you're still like I would still say you're very pro education and going in like I as wide open it like have

[00:16:12] Information to make it informed decisions. I think you can boil a lot of that down to

[00:16:18] Just education

[00:16:20] But I mean, I think you do have to have some experiences to know

[00:16:24] I'm hoping that in together like need to like try things out so no

[00:16:28] I'm in it yeah for me personally. It's more like intentional

[00:16:33] Instead of just I

[00:16:35] We'll talk about this when when we get to the

[00:16:39] Episode about me attempting to date in the aftermath of my divorce but I went on a lot of dates

[00:16:46] Because science as we will learn and I found out at my bachelor at party before our wedding

[00:16:53] Kyle that one of my good friends he knows me well

[00:16:56] Thought I was hooking up with a different person on every single day

[00:17:02] Even like these people

[00:17:11] All right well before you hop into the next part if you are

[00:17:15] Enjoying this podcast and one like to buy a sa coffee there is a link down in the

[00:17:20] Episode description

[00:17:22] He says support the show or the podcast something along those lines

[00:17:26] We usually have coffee on the weekends in the morning and plan out the episodes

[00:17:32] So if you would like the support us that is one way by a sa coffee

[00:17:37] All right, so are we gonna jump into the seven phases of the godly courtship and see how far we get before

[00:17:43] I get too traumatized

[00:17:46] All right

[00:17:48] We have charts again

[00:17:50] as we do

[00:17:52] with bill and

[00:17:54] This one just says two columns and

[00:17:57] We've got the worlds philosophy

[00:18:00] Which is physical bonding

[00:18:02] And then God's wisdom which is spiritual bonding

[00:18:07] Okay, so we're off to a rip-row and start again

[00:18:16] It's just oh my gosh as someone who's who's been through a divorce after purity culture marriage

[00:18:24] To me it's very important to know that you're compatible physically with your life partner

[00:18:31] But everything you're about to hear says no don't do that

[00:18:38] So I don't know where in the Bible it says this but according to bill God's order a

[00:18:44] Friendship courtship and marriage

[00:18:47] Is the right way to do relationships? It's God's order friendship courtship and then marriage

[00:18:55] And it emphasizes spiritual oneness

[00:18:58] In friendship then oneness of the soul and engagement and finally physical

[00:19:03] Consumation and marriage and then there's weird cherry-picked Bible versus to support this and then it says in bold bow as in Ruth

[00:19:12] Illustrated godly courtship

[00:19:14] Okay, I don't remember that that's the one where her

[00:19:19] Ruth's husband died and Naomi's her mother and La and Naomi decides to go back to where they're from and Ruth's like where you go

[00:19:27] I will go and all that kind of stuff

[00:19:30] So they go back and I think Naomi has a cousin or someone has a cousin named Boaz and he's a successful farmer dude

[00:19:37] So Naomi sends Ruth off to like basically seduced Boaz and like sleep at his feet at a party when he's drunk

[00:19:44] Because I think that in that culture that many had to marry her but I forget and then he wakes up and sees her it is feet and decides to like help her

[00:19:54] This is after like other stuff where he lets her

[00:19:58] You know get food from his fields and stuff and then she's at his feet while he sleeps which signal something

[00:20:06] That's apparently holy even though it sounds kind of weird and then they get married and

[00:20:14] Ruth obeyed her mother and La, which meant that god blessed everything she did

[00:20:21] Of course what else could it mean?

[00:20:25] So I mean, I don't know really what else to say other than if you're a godly mother

[00:20:30] Send your girl off to sleep with some random dude. She doesn't know props if it's a cousin and

[00:20:36] And then it's gonna be great because that's truth and Boaz

[00:20:41] Sarkasm everyone. Sarkasm. Sarkasm. Sarkasm. Sarkasm.

[00:20:45] So when when you look at the seven phases of a godly courtship

[00:20:50] We have the world's version and then bills version so the world's version is i to body

[00:20:56] God's or bills version is i to virtue

[00:21:00] So when we when we talk about i to body it's the lust of the i and that's one of man's biggest spiritual battles

[00:21:09] So scripture is filled with examples of men who established wrong moral relationships as they saw a woman who pleased them well

[00:21:18] So Sam since Audilila David saw Bathsheba judisaw woman

[00:21:23] um and you know that's bad so like definitely don't look at anyone people but on the other hands

[00:21:31] According to bill i to virtue is developed by financial freedom

[00:21:35] Yeah, because that makes sense

[00:21:39] Boaz learned discipline of character

[00:21:42] And that went with achieving financial freedom by maintaining a successful farm

[00:21:47] Well others flood the country because of drought so

[00:21:53] Boaz was attracted to Ruth before he ever saw her

[00:21:57] He heard good reports about her character and he was impressed with the loyalty she demonstrated to her with

[00:22:03] widowed mother-in-law and the diligence she demonstrated in unselfishly caring for her needs

[00:22:11] So um somehow that ties into financial freedom for Boaz so you definitely want to be financially free

[00:22:17] Before you ever enter into a relationship good luck with that in 2024

[00:22:22] And then you have to make a covenant with your eyes which is another like really really common phrase in the cult

[00:22:28] Because a prerequisite for godly courtship is to purpose not to look lustfully at a woman

[00:22:36] Remember men you do not and women you do not want to be attracted to the person you're dating

[00:22:41] It's very important

[00:22:43] Again sarcasm your eyes will deceive you but sounds like

[00:22:48] This includes not forming central pictures in your mind

[00:22:54] And then and then the final thing in i-divert who is interested in her family because remember

[00:22:59] The relationship is actually about the family not the couple

[00:23:03] And it's most godly if it's about the parents not the couple

[00:23:07] Then the second step in in the the evil world is i to i you embrace with the eyes you wink with eyes

[00:23:16] Mm-hmm and then

[00:23:18] But bills way is i to leadership

[00:23:22] And you work through her authorities

[00:23:26] That's an interesting one because

[00:23:28] Obviously you're not looking for the

[00:23:31] And contextually here you're not looking for

[00:23:35] The woman to have leadership capabilities you're looking for her father to have leadership capabilities

[00:23:41] And for the man to have leadership capabilities

[00:23:44] Right

[00:23:45] But as a man trying to court a woman in the cult it would

[00:23:50] You're basically quoting her dad yeah

[00:23:53] Um the father has final authority in the marriage decisions of his daughter

[00:23:59] Because that's great and works out really well in all situations

[00:24:05] Sorry, I

[00:24:06] The third step and then and then we're gonna dive into these i'm like giving the overview because that's how the

[00:24:12] Advanced seminar does it this is all straight out of the advanced seminar again

[00:24:17] But again briefly the third the third step in an evil relationship is voice to voice which is flattery

[00:24:25] But on bill side of the house it's communion of spirit which is praise

[00:24:30] Which focuses on character qualities which a woman has already developed in her life

[00:24:35] While flattery focuses on her features and abilities which we're not if her doing

[00:24:40] Hmm

[00:24:42] Interesting and then number four is hand to hand

[00:24:45] Which is to

[00:24:47] Receive because lust can never wait to get but on the good side of things under bill

[00:24:54] It's quiet generosity which is where you give love and

[00:24:59] Love can always wait to give

[00:25:03] indefinitely

[00:25:06] Number five on the evil side of things is hand to shoulder

[00:25:10] I don't it's gonna go hand to shoulder hand-a-waist face to face that

[00:25:15] Huh, so evil hand to shoulder

[00:25:19] Some have assumed

[00:25:21] Okay wait, so first we have to

[00:25:24] Read first grant the in seven one which is now concerning in the things where of you wrote unto me

[00:25:30] It is good for a man not to touch a woman

[00:25:34] First grant the in seven one

[00:25:37] Then bill says some of assumed that this verse refers to total physical relationship however

[00:25:42] The Greek dictionary gives the following definition to attach oneself i e to touch

[00:25:51] Sounds like to grab to be attaching yourself to somebody

[00:25:58] And then on bill side number five is recognized marriage responsibilities and you're supposed to

[00:26:03] Disurring God's timing and be decisive because you really need to

[00:26:06] Figure out there if you want to marry this person you don't know don't love an aren't attracted to

[00:26:14] Hand to waste

[00:26:16] Once a relationship is built on lust the couple quickly moves from one physical expression to the next

[00:26:22] Soon they lose the pleasure that God intended for a proper expression of physical love because of burned out lusts

[00:26:28] I was a jubbing in the coal like you'll never have a satisfying sexual relationship if you do anything to yourself or anyone else before marriage

[00:26:38] Oh

[00:26:41] Sounds like you could interpret that so many ways of like if you do something you shouldn't do or you're like

[00:26:48] You're burning and you're burning it out and then you're not gonna like each other after you get married

[00:26:53] Even though you don't like each other before you get married. It's just very it doesn't make any sense

[00:26:59] Like if you do it this day versus that day like is it

[00:27:04] Matt yes

[00:27:07] Because God's timing

[00:27:11] Number six on the holy side is full approval first avoid all appearance of evil

[00:27:18] First that's the lonelians 522

[00:27:20] Okay, then the final evil side is step seven face to face and the good side is step seven marriage covenant

[00:27:27] So let's just kind of figure out what this all means so step one the seven phases of a godly courtship the richness of his

[00:27:35] Preparation and the quiet influence of her virtue

[00:27:40] This is how you're supposed to start a godly

[00:27:43] courtship and again

[00:27:44] They use bow as in roof. He was a mighty man of wealth

[00:27:48] So you really need to be a mighty man of wealth

[00:27:51] before considering courtship and

[00:27:54] Ruth was basically a servant to her mother-in-law

[00:27:58] Which is holy because she was revering a parent thinking of course, which means you're ready for marriage

[00:28:05] When you can fully submit to authority so

[00:28:09] Underbo as the discipline of character that produces financial responsibility is an essential prerequisite for a happy marriage and a fruitful

[00:28:19] wife

[00:28:21] So we're starting with money

[00:28:23] And then it says that's what the Bible says to do and then you have to build a house

[00:28:29] In the cult like as your props if you actually built it didn't buy an

[00:28:35] The building of a house in the bringing home of a house wife RDB proceeded by a successful achievement

[00:28:40] In vocational skills but also you had to be like 22 and get married

[00:28:46] The vocational skills after you build a house. No, you do that before

[00:28:50] So you develop vocational skills you get really rich and then you build or buy a house

[00:28:55] Holy or if you build it and also you need to be like 22 accomplishing this because you need to start procreating

[00:29:04] Undermarriage so that you can have a quiver full and raise up the Joshua generation for Christ

[00:29:13] No pressure and then

[00:29:15] Basically the lessons that a man learns in wisely handling finances will not only build character essential for a successful marriage

[00:29:23] But we'll also provide understanding of scripture that is necessary for a spiritual leadership in the home

[00:29:29] And in the marriage so that's what you got to do as a guy as a guy for step one get really rich

[00:29:34] You're really good at your job get a house

[00:29:39] The woman

[00:29:41] Virtue is the godly influence which our lives exert on the lives of those around us

[00:29:47] This influence is often without our knowledge because it is a byproduct of our focus on Christ and his character

[00:29:54] So like you can't even actually do anything to affect your circumstances as a woman you're just supposed to have really great character

[00:30:00] And then god does it without you even knowing it

[00:30:03] Ruth had already surrendered her expectations for marriage when she made her decision to serve her mother-in-law

[00:30:10] Thus when she went to green in the field

[00:30:12] She was not trying to impress a potential husband which oh my god

[00:30:16] I cannot tell you how important it is to not try to impress a man as a woman in the cult

[00:30:21] No your character will do that without you

[00:30:24] I can see why they're making an argument for that in the cult

[00:30:30] That you don't you don't want the woman to influence any of this because these are all things

[00:30:35] There should be the man's decision like the man is gonna pick who he wants and it would be

[00:30:43] It would cause a conflict if there's a bunch of women that are trying to impress men as opposed to just being in the background

[00:30:51] Waiting to be picked exactly

[00:30:55] So basically god compares a virtuous woman with the rarest and most valuable of all gems a

[00:31:03] Ruby

[00:31:05] So you don't have to do anything except be silent like shut up in a corner as the first step of

[00:31:11] Courtship for women

[00:31:12] So were the wedding rings will speed with rubies on them

[00:31:16] Yeah, I've seen those oh, yeah

[00:31:19] Is that supposed to be like a whole leader? Oh, oh Jesus

[00:31:25] And then step two or the second phase of a godly courtship is the maturity of his leadership and

[00:31:33] the example of her diligence

[00:31:36] Mm-hmm

[00:31:37] So for the guy mature leadership is concerned first of all with the needs of those under his care

[00:31:44] And secondly, with the job to be accomplished so it talks about bow-outs again and how he understood that if his workers were in right relationship with the Lord

[00:31:53] They would be in right relationship with him and the job to be done

[00:31:58] Okay, mm-hmm

[00:31:59] So and he also realized he had to be the spiritual example of what he wanted in the lives of his workers

[00:32:07] And a further mark of bow-outs is mature leadership is that he appointed an orderly structure of authority

[00:32:14] and then consistently worked through

[00:32:17] Basically the chain of command and

[00:32:20] mature leadership is essential for a successful marriage

[00:32:24] So again, needs of a husband, you know, there

[00:32:28] Means of a leader truly

[00:32:31] Reference previous episode seven basic needs of a husband

[00:32:35] So then what is what is the woman do in this next in this second phase of godly courtship

[00:32:42] Ruth diligence is affirmed by the foreman in bow-as-as-field when she went there to get food

[00:32:48] He reported that Ruth worked continually from morning until

[00:32:53] Now which it's going to be the Bible so late at night and that she only rested a short time in the shelter

[00:33:00] So she's working her ass off without any breaks like a good woman

[00:33:05] A woman's fulfillment will only come as she experiences the purposes for which god made her thus for a woman

[00:33:12] fulfillment comes by learning how to be a successful help meet

[00:33:18] Skill in this area must be developed while single even though god has given a basic aptitude for it

[00:33:26] So

[00:33:28] Basically what did Ruth have going from her she worked all day and only took a short rest

[00:33:34] Okay, so step two of a godly courtship is he's working on leadership and she's a slave

[00:33:41] She works hard

[00:33:46] Again there's enough like positive qualities in here than it just like spin it

[00:33:51] What are you saying is a positive? No, like for one more time have to work all day no

[00:33:56] I'm saying like hardworking is not a bad character trait for male or female

[00:34:01] Like the the leadership parts of that or like on the male side is

[00:34:06] Like having skills and and being able being financially

[00:34:11] Well, I can't wait to do that too. That I'm not saying I'm not detracting from that and that is definitely true

[00:34:17] But again like there's like good things that are underneath that they just like twist the hell out of it

[00:34:24] Hmm

[00:34:25] I think it's like prudent for man to be

[00:34:30] financially independent and be able to like actually

[00:34:33] Be self sufficient in and

[00:34:36] Have all those skills and like learn those things like know how to change it higher

[00:34:39] It is but again, that's what I'm saying is like it's saying that but only for them in

[00:34:46] And then like over here on the women's side like do nothing like you're just a slave

[00:34:51] You just like work hard and have no needs and all those other kind of stuff

[00:34:56] Let me take a short rest. Yeah, so again, it's one of those things

[00:35:00] We're just like there's bits of truth that are in there and it's just like twisted and only lied to men

[00:35:07] Hmm

[00:35:10] So the third phase of a godly courtship is his commitment to godly character and the genuineness of her gratefulness

[00:35:19] Hmm

[00:35:21] I'm hearing the the Barbie monologue and always be grateful

[00:35:27] It's a good monologue by the way if you haven't watched them and we go see it

[00:35:32] So let's see what are we supposed to do as a guy here?

[00:35:36] The character qualities which boas recognized and rewarded in roof

[00:35:41] Begin with loyalty a mature man knows that if a girl is not loyal to her family

[00:35:46] She will not be loyal to him

[00:35:52] Genuine loyalty results and self-sacrifice in a resilience from personal loss

[00:35:59] Do you hear the abusive undertones of that entire thing and then her or gratefulness right?

[00:36:06] So Ruth had a genuine spirit of gratefulness because of a total lack of demands and expectations

[00:36:14] There's the twist

[00:36:18] She could very easily have said to god you owe me this food because of all I have suffered and given up

[00:36:25] Genuine gratefulness is one of the most attractive qualities in any woman in one of the most appreciated qualities by any man

[00:36:33] Self-sacrifice and a resilience from personal loss again women you need a total lack of demands and expectations

[00:36:43] to be godly

[00:36:49] Trying to decide if I want to call it here

[00:36:54] What do it numbers that it's three out of seven three out of seven

[00:37:05] Oh my gosh, it just keeps going

[00:37:08] Well, you know, let's do one more and then we'll come back to finish. Oh

[00:37:14] Geez

[00:37:15] I save that and then I look at number four his proper expressions of favor and

[00:37:21] The consistency of her submission

[00:37:27] You want to come back to this let's come back to this I think I think my blood pressure needs us to come back to this

[00:37:40] My gosh, what is yeah? Oh and of course this whole thing which will finish next week talks about blessings and curses if you

[00:37:49] Like that's how this all ends blessings and curses if you fall over don't follow it

[00:37:54] So that's I know y'all a I know you have some good

[00:37:58] Curses blessings and curses story so okay

[00:38:02] Interesting to get to that one

[00:38:05] So in summary thus far

[00:38:09] men in 2024

[00:38:11] Be financially independent and have a paid off house preferably that you built by hand

[00:38:16] before

[00:38:17] pursuing marriage also try to do this by the age of 22 women

[00:38:23] Like just expect nothing no expectations remember from the needs of a basic wife you got to start practicing now of your single

[00:38:30] Can't expect anything you can't have any boundaries can't like just just sit in a corner and be silent

[00:38:37] to prepare for marriage

[00:38:40] And remember that the best thing you can do to prepare for marriage is to

[00:38:44] be in complete subjugation to authority even if you're 26

[00:38:49] You are still owned by your parents and you have no free will or autonomy over your own life

[00:38:55] And this is a recipe for a fantastic marriage everyone

[00:39:00] Yes

[00:39:03] Don't listen to this

[00:39:05] Like nicely for more awesome marriage advice

[00:39:16] All right well we'll end it there and we'll be back next week with the

[00:39:20] last four parts of

[00:39:23] the seven phases of a godly courtship

[00:39:27] Thanks for listening to another episode of the cult i left behind and till next time

[00:39:33] Don't join a cult if you enjoyed this podcast please like share and subscribe and we will catch you on the next episode