In the most vulnerable episode to date, Amanda shares her songwriting diary and describes how the music helped her cope with reporting her brother, losing her biological family, going through a divorce, struggling with her mental health, and, ultimately, finding hope, love, and joy in life.
[00:00:01] Hi everyone, welcome to The Cult I Left Behind podcast. I'm your host Amanda Briggs and I'm here to tell you my stories of growing up in the IBLP cult which you might know from the Duggar family.
[00:00:15] And I'm your other host Kyle Briggs. I am Amanda's husband and I have not heard most of these stories before so stay tuned and we'll all get traumatized together.
[00:00:25] Alright, welcome back to the next episode. We are going to be doing something a little different today because sadly Kyle is not here with me to record this week.
[00:00:42] So we are in the middle of a long and drawn out move across the country here in the US.
[00:00:49] And while we were able to make the initial trip together and Kyle was able to stay at the new location with me for a few weeks he did have to go back to our other place because we're selling that and oversee that while I oversee moving into the new place.
[00:01:05] So it's just a long drawn out process and normally we would try to plan ahead and have a bunch of episodes in reserve but moving is hard. Moving is really hard.
[00:01:19] And we just, we were not able to get a backlog this time so we're all going to miss Kyle together for this episode. So I was thinking about what I could do to kind of make up for Kyle's absence and still make this a good episode for y'all.
[00:01:38] And I decided to go to the most vulnerable place I have which you would think is all of my stories about abuse and the cold growing up but for me it's really music and specifically the music I have written to cope with everything I've been through in my life, the good and the bad.
[00:02:01] And if y'all thought that I've been vulnerable and transparent before talking about my childhood music for me it's the next dimension. This is my diary this is my soul. It is probably the most intimate and fragile part of my existence so I'm excited to share it with you because the music has saved my life.
[00:02:28] The music I'm going to share with you today has saved my life on several occasions. But yeah this is about as deep as it all goes so please be kind.
[00:02:38] And I'm going to kind of do a little introduction to each song that we're going to talk about today and then I'll play the song and then I'll talk about what was going on in my life and the circumstances that led to writing each song.
[00:02:52] So a couple things to know up front. Most of these are scratch recordings. It was me at my, you know in some cases my upright piano in some cases my keyboard with my phone doing a voice memo recording.
[00:03:03] These are not, most of these are not glorious recordings. But because they were recorded usually right as I was composing them, these demos I have are probably the most raw and real performances of the song there will ever be.
[00:03:22] I've mentioned in previous episodes that music was such a huge part and vocal performance was such a huge part of my journey as a young person because I could feel my feelings through the music.
[00:03:36] Feelings that were not safe to feel as just Amanda or somehow to my brain in the way I interpreted life they were safe to feel as a vocalist, as a performing artist.
[00:03:48] So I channeled my hurt, my anger, my rage, my pain, my confusion, my fear into music and it provided an outlet.
[00:04:02] It was like a pressure release valve for me so that I did not just completely fall apart as a person while I was still in really abusive environments and while I was still in the cult.
[00:04:14] So I am forever grateful for the difference music made in my life, the way music has saved my life, the way music has given me opportunities to get away from my normal environment.
[00:04:27] I talked about the symphony chorus and how that just opened my world up so much and how the people who were also part of the chorus just really wrapped their arms around me and loved me and helped me dream bigger and better for my life
[00:04:41] and see options beyond the cult when I was a teenager.
[00:04:46] So the first song I want to share with you is very classical. It's very classical. You'll hear the orchestra.
[00:04:53] This is from a recording I did when I was, I want to say like 15 to 16.
[00:05:00] And I went to a studio so we have to back up a year before that. I think it was my 14th birthday.
[00:05:07] Rick and Chris gifted me like six songs with a guy who ran a studio out of his home. That was my birthday present and then I was going to, the deal was I made the little album and then they used that as Christmas gifts for everyone that year.
[00:05:25] So it was kind of like a win-win for everyone. I got to do music and they got to spend like this one lump sum on my birthday present and then it was their Christmas present to the extended family and all of the church cult, cult church friends and everyone like that.
[00:05:40] So I went to this guy's house with Rick and I think Chris was there and I think Andrea was there, maybe Amy.
[00:05:47] And I recorded five or six songs. It was really fun and like I said, it was a gift for everyone and people seemed to like it. So the next year that was the same deal.
[00:05:56] It was my 15th or 16th birthday. I got to go to a different guy's house.
[00:06:04] He also ran a recording studio out of his house but it was all analog so no digital components which meant I pretty much had to nail it in one take.
[00:06:13] There was no auto tuning, all of that kind of stuff and it was really fun. It was a lot more challenging than the previous year just because of the nature of analog recordings at the time.
[00:06:24] And I did the same thing. It was like five or six songs. I forget how many.
[00:06:29] And in the middle of that my biological father's father died. So my paternal grandpa died and this was the guy who gave the best grandpa bear hugs.
[00:06:40] He was the Marine but a real sweetheart at least to his grandchildren.
[00:06:46] And I loved him. It was very hard when he died and I added this song. It's called The Holy City.
[00:06:54] I added it for Rick. He really struggled after his father's death and I thought that this might help him feel closer to his dad.
[00:07:06] Grandpa used to sing this song. My grandma loved it because my grandpa sang it. My bio dad loved it so Rick loved it because his dad sang it.
[00:07:15] It was a very special song to them for a lot of reasons. So it's called The Holy City. I'm going to just read from Wikipedia.
[00:07:23] It's a religious Victorian ballad dating to 1892. The music was by Michael Maebrick writing under the alias Stephen Adams and the lyrics were by Frederick Weatherly.
[00:07:37] So it's an old song and it sounds very King James E in the wording so you'll hear things like me thinks my dream was changed and really weird phrases like that.
[00:07:51] But I really loved recording this song. When I share other songs as we move through this episode you'll see that Rick was like a really important person to me growing up.
[00:08:04] And so this was a big labor of love for Rick at the time.
[00:08:12] So be kind. This is 15 or 16 year old me. This was kind of before I hit a turning point where my technique improved significantly and I got accepted into the MSO course.
[00:08:25] Unfortunately I don't have any recordings for that time. I really wish I did because there were some arias I did from various operas that I loved and that kind of became my signature pieces during that time.
[00:08:37] But I don't have those. I have the Holy City so a little nervous here but without further ado here you go.
[00:10:20] And then we thought my dream was changed the streets no longer ring.
[00:10:36] Pushed with a glad Hosanna's the little children sing.
[00:10:44] The sun grew dark with mystery the morning was cold and chill as the shadow of a cross rose upon the lonely hill.
[00:10:59] The sun grew dark with mystery the morning was cold and chill as the shadow of a cross rose upon the lonely hill.
[00:11:14] Children lose their land children lose their land.
[00:11:20] Park out angels sing Hosanna in the highest Hosanna to your King.
[00:11:38] Once again the scene was changed new earth there seemed to be.
[00:12:00] I saw the Holy City beside the tidal sea.
[00:12:08] The light of God was on its streets the gates were open wide.
[00:12:16] I thought who would my dentist denied no need to moon.
[00:12:32] It was the new Jerusalem that would not have no Jerusalem.
[00:13:07] Jerusalem, Jerusalem sing for the nightfall.
[00:13:19] In the highest Hosanna forevermore.
[00:13:31] Hosanna in the highest.
[00:13:41] Hosanna forevermore.
[00:13:53] So very religious and my grandparents I think identified as Christian they were not part of the cult.
[00:14:10] I think they were more like the they go to church every Sunday more for the social event sort of Christians.
[00:14:18] They were very active in the choir music was what brought them together as a couple they loved to sing together.
[00:14:25] And there was there was a lot going on with with all of this around the time that I recorded that so let's see let's talk about some context.
[00:14:37] My grandma basically did something I don't I don't agree with and favored me.
[00:14:46] I think that it's the that's harmful like it caused a lot of jealousy issues with some of my siblings because I was the favorite but I was the.
[00:14:57] I was the one who reminded her of Jeanette McDonald which was her favorite singer from, I think, the early early 1900s and so she did treat me differently than my siblings, which.
[00:15:14] Yeah just created some animosity.
[00:15:17] But when I when I got really sick, I've mentioned in the past there was like that three year period where I had to leave college between my junior and senior year because I was so sick from what ended up being PTSD.
[00:15:28] I couldn't sing during that time and my grandma rapidly lost interest in me and I was no longer the favorite so it was a very interesting.
[00:15:37] Experience to realize like my value to this person is solely based on this skill that I have it's it's not really me and who I am as a human it's that this person can live vicariously through me so that was that was a very painful thing that happened a couple years after.
[00:15:57] This recording but at the time when my grandma got it right after her husband had died, you know she just loved it and Rick loved it and Chris loved it and everyone loved it.
[00:16:07] And I got a little I was treated a little better there for a while because I had done something that made the family happy.
[00:16:15] For once I had done something that made the family happy so that was that was kind of cool go me.
[00:16:21] Rick.
[00:16:23] I think Rick was actually out in California visiting his mother to help her take care of you know life stuff after grandpa died while I was in the studio recording that song and so Chris was primarily the one with me while I recorded the five or six songs for that little album.
[00:16:40] That year and there were a couple interesting things that came out of that one was she told she would not tell me this obviously but she told Andrea who later told me.
[00:16:52] That I looked like a movie star in there recording the music and it's funny because when you're 15 or 16 year old girl hearing your mom.
[00:17:01] Who has never really been all that nice to you say that you looked like a movie star or just anything positive like oh my God that would have been such a boost but part of the whole ideology was she couldn't say that to me because then I might be arrogant,
[00:17:16] which again is laughable to me because all I wanted at that time of my love.
[00:17:21] At that time of my life was a little bit of fucking love and affirmation but whatever.
[00:17:26] But she chose to say that to my sister instead of me and that's another memory I'm like I don't know what to think of that because a lot of like the only nice things Chris ever said about me were usually how I had made her look good in some capacity so I don't know.
[00:17:42] I don't really know what to do with that but that's the thing I found out about during that time and then the more poignant memory I have of Chris from that recording from recording that little album was.
[00:17:55] It was a different song not the one I just played and I decided to play a little bit with with this one passage of a song and add a little bit of vocal interest and it didn't work.
[00:18:07] I'd never tried it before it didn't work but it was you know like I said it was analog.
[00:18:12] So there was no auto tune like you do it in a take and it didn't sound good.
[00:18:18] Like just objectively didn't sound good and instead of getting feedback like hey you took a risk you tried something it's fine we'll just we'll just redo it.
[00:18:25] Chris looked at me she was like Amanda.
[00:18:30] And I was so horrified and embarrassed because I tried something I'd taken this little risk and it didn't work out and I was like publicly humiliated for it the guy.
[00:18:41] Who owned the little recording studio in his basement it might even have been his mother's basement.
[00:18:48] Oh yeah that guy definitely wasn't his mother's basement but that it seems like such a dumb simple moment but it it was this very defining moment in my life or like I tried something I took a risk.
[00:18:59] I stepped outside of my comfort zone and it didn't go great.
[00:19:03] And Chris acted so embarrassed because I had been less than perfect.
[00:19:09] And I feel like those sorts of moments with Chris really changed how I approached life for a really long time like I played it very safe I didn't take risks.
[00:19:20] I didn't go outside my comfort zone I just tried to be perfect and perfectly middle of the road and I don't know about y'all but like that's one a boring way to live and two it's an impossible way to live and three it is such a stressful way to live trying to be perfect.
[00:19:38] And make everyone happy and stay perfectly in line all the time but that little moment like it it's something that still pricks me with pain looking back like oh my God I was this little kid.
[00:19:49] If you stop and think about it was like this child and.
[00:19:53] I was nailing it like I was not messing up I was getting most of the songs in one maybe two takes like you ask any.
[00:20:03] You know producer at a major studio if that's pretty good especially for a 15 or 16 year old kid they're gonna be like yeah that saves so much money if you can just nail stuff in and it take her to and that's what I've been doing.
[00:20:16] But I made one mistake on one note and she Chris made sure I was thoroughly shamed for it so yeah half a lifetime later I guess that I guess that still hurts.
[00:20:26] And I'm glad to say doesn't shape or inform how I go about life anymore but for a long time there it really it really did her words had a lot of power ricks words had.
[00:20:40] A lot of power and unfortunately had the effect of kind of making me shrivel and try to play life as safe as I possibly could so that was I played that song in particular to show you kind of.
[00:20:55] The roots of where I came from musically I've talked a lot about opera and classical music and the symphony chorus and stuff.
[00:21:02] Again this was like kind of a year before I really took a big step in my technique.
[00:21:10] And unfortunately like I said I don't I don't have any recordings from that period where you know I feel like it appropriately represents the work and the coaches and teachers I had who helped me a lot in my journey as a musician but we're gonna press pause there hard cut and we're gonna jump ahead.
[00:21:31] To 2015 so the year after I reported my brother this was like about a decade later and I was no longer involved in classical music I had this little upright piano and I was really struggling.
[00:21:49] The pain of losing my whole family and the case pending and all the shit we talked about in four years in court you know my bio family Chris and Andrea trying to get my old college professors and roommates to turn on me and Andy's lures trying to get my mental health records and my little sister saying Abbie saying she wasn't going to talk to me anymore and losing all my other siblings like it was such a hard time of my life and I was really depressed.
[00:22:16] And this next song is probably the most honest and vulnerable thing I've ever written.
[00:22:23] I've written a ton of songs and I love a lot of them but this is probably my favorite song I have ever written I wrote it in about 10 minutes on my slightly out of tune upright piano as you will hear and I'm going to share this with you and then we'll talk about it and what was going on and why it was so freeing to write it.
[00:22:45] This is called shine.
[00:23:34] I'm stronger.
[00:23:37] Standing on my own it might be love song but I've overcome the years of trying to earn your selfish love and I'm so far gone.
[00:24:00] You never saw someone you didn't know someone could shine the way I do.
[00:24:49] Because I was your daughter but you could never see how much you abandoned me but I am stronger.
[00:25:04] Standing on my own it might be love song but I've overcome the years of trying to earn your selfish love and I'm so far gone.
[00:25:26] You never saw someone you didn't know someone like me.
[00:25:38] Because I was there in front of you.
[00:25:42] I tried to fly in front of you.
[00:25:46] I tried to breathe in front of you.
[00:25:50] You beat me down.
[00:25:52] You never knew I would have died to know you cared.
[00:25:58] I was so young you were not there.
[00:26:02] You let me go you'll never see how much it attracts me.
[00:26:12] I am stronger.
[00:26:27] I'm stronger.
[00:26:29] Standing on my own it might be love song but I've overcome the years of trying to earn your selfish love and I'm so far gone.
[00:26:43] I'll rise like the morning sun.
[00:26:47] You never thought someone could shine the way I do.
[00:26:57] You.
[00:27:20] That song felt like picking up childhood me and carrying her to safety.
[00:27:28] And it still feels like that when I listen to it.
[00:27:35] It's about Rick and Chris if you didn't catch that from the second verse.
[00:27:41] Like I said I wrote it in about 10 minutes.
[00:27:43] I wasn't really a musician or involved in music anymore at that time in my life.
[00:27:49] But I had this little upright piano and that piano and I processed a lot of feelings together.
[00:27:59] And I think when I wrote that one I was at home obviously.
[00:28:03] I was watching a movie that had like really strong family themes I think.
[00:28:07] That was such a hard thing for me at that time.
[00:28:11] It would literally feel like my heart was breaking to pieces inside my body when I watched depictions of people being loved well by their families.
[00:28:21] And I hit pause on the movie and I walked across the room to my piano and I just sobbed and wrote that.
[00:28:30] And it was like everything from how I think it was like 26 at the time.
[00:28:35] 26, 27.
[00:28:37] 27 years of agony just like came flowing out of me in those 10 minutes that took to write it.
[00:28:43] And it was true.
[00:28:47] It was so true and honest and real.
[00:28:51] And I wasn't even trying to make it like this triumphant song at the end.
[00:28:56] It was just the truth of where I realized I was and what I had grown to.
[00:29:03] It still hurt.
[00:29:04] It still hurts so much.
[00:29:06] But I was done.
[00:29:07] I was so done trying to make people love me.
[00:29:12] Like they were gonna love me or they weren't gonna love me and that was just fucking it.
[00:29:16] And that was a really powerful moment in my life.
[00:29:21] And that song was part of a series that I wrote to kind of cope with losing my family, the betrayal, all of the things.
[00:29:30] There are a couple songs that I'm not gonna share today just because I have the demo track with real instrumentation but there aren't any vocals overlaid on them.
[00:29:42] And the instrumentation is so cool that it seems like it would do the song a disservice to not present it in its full capacity.
[00:29:50] But I am gonna play a couple more from that little series I did about grief, about leaving my family behind, about being enough for myself even though I wasn't enough for them or they were never gonna accept me.
[00:30:07] And while that was such a heartbreaking time in my life and it was such a difficult period, it was also a freeing and powerful time in my life.
[00:30:15] I feel like that's kind of when I started coming into my own because it's okay to love your family.
[00:30:21] It really is.
[00:30:22] That's how we're wired.
[00:30:23] It's okay to want your family to love you.
[00:30:25] It's okay to miss your family even when they're bad to you.
[00:30:31] Truly, that is how we are wired biologically but it's also okay to say your love isn't good enough for me.
[00:30:39] Your love is selfish.
[00:30:41] Your love is conditional.
[00:30:42] Your love is mean.
[00:30:44] Is it even love?
[00:30:45] Is it even love?
[00:30:47] And those were the questions I was grappling with and those were the realizations I was having during that time in my life.
[00:30:53] The first half of the four years in court period, the first two years were particularly gruesome emotionally.
[00:31:02] And I listened to these songs and I look back on them and I'm right there at that piano in that living room all over again when I hear it.
[00:31:12] And I just remember what it feels like.
[00:31:16] Like there was this immense pain but also this newfound freedom of, okay, I can accept that I loved you so deeply and I wanted your approval so badly.
[00:31:28] But those are not things you can give me.
[00:31:30] And that does not define my worth.
[00:31:32] I define my worth and I am worthy of being loved and I'm worthy of, oh God, this is still, this is the one that's still hard for me to say.
[00:31:40] But I'm worthy of being part of a family.
[00:31:45] That one's still sinking it.
[00:31:48] But the seas were planted back then in that period with songs like Shine.
[00:31:55] So the next one I'm going to play is, it's kind of a hybrid.
[00:32:00] I wrote it about my siblings losing my siblings but also a couple friends.
[00:32:05] There were a couple friendships that kind of went down the drain at the same time.
[00:32:09] They were people who I really loved but they were really toxic.
[00:32:13] They were kind of remnants of that period of my life where we've talked before, you're attracted to what you know.
[00:32:19] So they were pretty abusive friends but I did love them.
[00:32:22] They did have an important role in my life for a time.
[00:32:25] But as I grew as I healed I realized like, okay, these are not my people.
[00:32:29] This is not a good and safe place for me.
[00:32:32] This is not a good place to expend my energy and give my love and my time.
[00:32:36] So I wrote this song, it's called All That's Left and it's mostly about losing my siblings
[00:32:43] but also with losing my friends kind of mixed into that.
[00:32:48] I primarily wrote this one kind of in my head on a road trip
[00:32:53] and when I got back to my same upright, it was kind of out of tune.
[00:32:58] I figured out the music and recorded this little demo.
[00:33:41] I'm not sure if you can hear me.
[00:33:44] I'd be there for you, cause that's what we do.
[00:33:49] But when I took a stand, it didn't.
[00:33:54] And when I held out my hand, you walked away.
[00:34:01] I've been trying and trying to find the words to say
[00:34:07] but I always come up dry.
[00:34:13] I guess all that's left for us is goodbye.
[00:34:22] In truth, I guess that that's when it all started crumbling.
[00:34:35] You want it lies because you've always been so good at running far.
[00:34:44] Who are you now?
[00:34:47] I don't even know you but it's me who has changed cause you've stayed the same.
[00:34:59] Cause when I took a stand, it didn't.
[00:35:04] And when I held out my hand, you walked away.
[00:35:10] I've been trying and trying to find the words to say
[00:35:16] but I always come up dry.
[00:35:22] I guess all that's left for us is goodbye.
[00:35:27] Goodbye, goodbye my friend.
[00:35:31] Don't know when I will see you again.
[00:35:36] Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye my friend.
[00:35:42] Don't know when I will see you again.
[00:35:53] Cause when I took a stand, it didn't.
[00:35:58] And when I held out my hand, you walked away.
[00:36:09] But I always come up dry.
[00:36:15] I guess all that's left for us is goodbye.
[00:36:20] Goodbye, goodbye my friend.
[00:36:24] Don't know when I will see you again.
[00:36:29] Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye my friend.
[00:36:38] See you.
[00:36:39] When I wrote that song in 2015, it was actually
[00:36:50] emotionally how I was processing saying goodbye to my siblings
[00:36:55] without seeing them to say goodbye.
[00:36:59] And there are a couple different things from this song in particular I want to highlight.
[00:37:05] So in the first verse when I say we used to dance,
[00:37:09] I used to stand in your arms and then I forget the words that come after that but
[00:37:13] colds, we were not allowed to dance with anyone else.
[00:37:15] We could dance with our siblings but no one else
[00:37:18] because dancing was sexual if it was with anyone other than an immediate family member.
[00:37:23] So my maternal grandparents were really good dancers so they would teach us how to waltz and swing
[00:37:31] and so we could do that together as siblings and those are really fun memories I have
[00:37:38] like teaching my little brothers and my little sister how to dance dancing
[00:37:43] with my older sisters and we would just have fun.
[00:37:48] It was a really good kind of carefree memory I had of them so that's that line
[00:37:54] and that's the whole you know, don't have sex it might lead to dancing cold influence in my life.
[00:37:59] In the second verse when I talk about how I wanted truth and they wanted lies
[00:38:04] that was specifically the lie that everything was fine and Andy was okay
[00:38:08] and God had fixed him and what had happened to me wasn't that bad
[00:38:12] and we were great happy family everything was fine.
[00:38:15] And when you're the person to call bullshit on that and say no that's the lie
[00:38:20] the truth is that this is fucked up and it was a crime and he's a dangerous society
[00:38:26] and he hurt me and y'all are just covering it up like that is not a popular thing to do as it turns out
[00:38:33] and I think that was one of the first times like writing that song
[00:38:37] was part of how I emotionally and cognitively process the fact that from the positive
[00:38:42] like I made it I was living in truth but also from the negative like just the grief
[00:38:47] that they were living in the lie and they were okay with the lie
[00:38:51] and they were okay to lose me to keep the lie.
[00:38:55] That was a price they were willing to pay to keep their lie
[00:38:59] and then later in the second verse when I say it's me who changed because you stayed the same
[00:39:04] I think anyone who's left a cult or really oppressive environment
[00:39:08] or a really dangerous or unsafe family situation you realize as you come out of it
[00:39:15] as you come out of that fog you are you are the person who has changed
[00:39:19] and you're probably the only one who's going to change
[00:39:22] and that's you can't count on anyone else having the same realizations you have
[00:39:26] you are the changer you are the changed
[00:39:29] and the reason the whole world looks so different and you're seeing things clearly
[00:39:33] and you're understanding you know oh being raped by your brother isn't normal
[00:39:37] and that's a fucking crime you are the one who changed
[00:39:40] and you look back over your shoulder and you just see this whole group of people that you love
[00:39:45] that they're just like in a circle with their heads in the sand
[00:39:49] and that's a hard realization too it's hard to realize like you're the different one
[00:39:54] but it's good it's good like you changed you got your head out of the sand you walked away
[00:39:59] but also like look back there all these people I love have got their head in the sand
[00:40:05] and they don't care that I'm changing they don't care that I'm walking away
[00:40:09] and you know that was a really melodically and lyrically it's a very simple song
[00:40:15] but what was going on inside me during that time was profound as I kind of came to terms with
[00:40:22] okay this like this is what it is I changed I took a stand
[00:40:27] I tried to get them to come with me I held up my hand and they didn't take it
[00:40:32] they let me go they let me go to keep their lie to keep their heads in the sand
[00:40:38] and I don't know if I'm gonna see him again ever in this life
[00:40:42] and I've got to keep walking I've got to keep walking toward safety
[00:40:48] and toward truth and that is such a hard that is such a hard thing to do
[00:40:54] like even though it's the right thing to do and even though it's the safe thing to do
[00:40:58] and even though it's the true and authentic thing to do it is so fucking hard
[00:41:03] because you're usually doing it alone
[00:41:06] you're usually that one person who sees things for what they really are
[00:41:10] and says nope like it ends here I am not going to perpetuate this lie
[00:41:15] but the journey is very long and very lonely and you have to walk away from people
[00:41:21] you previously would have died for to be true and to be authentic and to be safe
[00:41:28] and you just hope as you walk away that your example
[00:41:32] if any of them ever stand up and pull their head out of the sand they'll see your paths
[00:41:37] they'll see your footprint they'll see your path and they'll decide to follow it
[00:41:41] and see if they can find you but you have no guarantees
[00:41:45] and you just have to go you just have to be brave and you cry and you grieve
[00:41:51] but you have to go
[00:41:53] and that's to me what that song was all about
[00:42:00] okay this is harder than I thought it would be
[00:42:06] so just you know to keep things emotional and difficult let's go to
[00:42:12] the next song from this little series
[00:42:16] this one's about Rick
[00:42:19] and I have a lot to say about this song and the themes that come up
[00:42:23] listening to it almost a decade later
[00:42:26] this one was written in 2016
[00:42:30] so year three of the court process
[00:42:34] and losing everyone
[00:42:42] love
[00:42:45] and all I ever tried to do
[00:42:49] was be enough
[00:42:52] and all I ever wanted you to see
[00:42:59] was how much your attention
[00:43:03] meant to me
[00:43:07] so I placed you on a pedestal
[00:43:11] tried to catch your gaze
[00:43:14] alone inside my nightmares
[00:43:18] trying to be brave
[00:43:21] you should have come for me
[00:43:24] you should have taken me away
[00:43:28] but you turned that right from me
[00:43:32] you never came to save the day
[00:43:36] I guess some things in life
[00:43:39] are never meant to be
[00:43:43] cause you were not my hero
[00:43:48] and I was not your little girl
[00:43:55] in all the wasted years
[00:43:58] I can't give back
[00:44:02] chasing after something
[00:44:05] that I could not have
[00:44:09] you were always right in front of me
[00:44:16] but you were always something that I
[00:44:21] I couldn't reach
[00:44:23] so I placed you on a pedestal
[00:44:27] tried to catch your gaze
[00:44:31] alone inside my nightmares
[00:44:35] trying to be brave
[00:44:38] you should have come for me
[00:44:41] you should have taken me away
[00:44:45] but you turned that right from me
[00:44:48] you never came to save the day
[00:44:53] I guess some things in life
[00:44:55] are never meant to be
[00:44:59] cause you were not my hero
[00:45:02] and I still cry for you
[00:45:17] I'm here for you
[00:45:21] cause I broke up and read the study of sky
[00:45:29] and I tried to catch your gaze
[00:45:54] I was alone inside this nightmare
[00:45:59] cause you were not my hero
[00:46:29] I was not
[00:47:40] walking artist
[00:47:42] I've ever had in my life
[00:47:44] cause Rick was not a good person
[00:47:47] and part of that was cause I loved him so much
[00:47:50] when I was a kid and part of it was
[00:47:53] the cult was like your father is everything
[00:47:56] he is God basically
[00:47:59] his opinion is what matters the most
[00:48:02] the part in the chorus where I placed you on a pedestal
[00:48:05] and tried to catch your gaze
[00:48:08] and your father approved of you
[00:48:11] and your father protected you
[00:48:14] and all this shit
[00:48:16] I could never get him to do those things
[00:48:19] nothing I did was good enough
[00:48:22] he didn't protect me
[00:48:24] there was this whole theme of fatherhood
[00:48:27] and the cult
[00:48:29] you are the umbrella of protection
[00:48:31] you're the hero, you're the family saviour
[00:48:34] and that for me
[00:48:36] so in 2014 I finally realized
[00:48:38] Rick is not a good person
[00:48:41] and it broke my heart
[00:48:44] and it took me two years
[00:48:47] that song was written in 2016
[00:48:50] it took me two years to process that realization
[00:48:53] to the point where I could get it out in a song
[00:48:56] and generally like I said at the beginning of this episode
[00:48:59] how I process my emotions is through writing music
[00:49:02] I've kind of always been like that
[00:49:04] I started writing songs when I was a kid
[00:49:06] I wrote a song about all this sexual assault
[00:49:09] when I was a teenager but it was very heavily
[00:49:12] you know it was very vague
[00:49:14] you never ever ever would have been able to tell
[00:49:16] that that's what it was about
[00:49:18] it was very religious
[00:49:20] but I've been processing my feelings through writing music
[00:49:22] for as long as I can remember
[00:49:24] and yeah it took me two years
[00:49:27] from that realization
[00:49:29] that Rick isn't a great person
[00:49:31] to get to the point where I could actually write a song
[00:49:34] about it and alright let's
[00:49:37] start at kind of the beginning with this one
[00:49:40] so the first verse it's actually very cult influenced
[00:49:43] because the part like I wanted your love
[00:49:46] I wanted your attention
[00:49:48] I wanted to be someone important to you
[00:49:51] that was all part of the cult ideology
[00:49:54] of like your position as a daughter toward your father
[00:49:57] like your father it was very weird
[00:49:59] I'm not saying it was good
[00:50:01] and I think there is a healthy version of this
[00:50:03] that exists you know outside the cult
[00:50:05] but in the cult it was like as a female child
[00:50:07] your dad was kind of like your stand-in
[00:50:10] husband until you had a husband
[00:50:12] not sexually but like
[00:50:14] your dad was supposed to fulfill
[00:50:16] all your emotional needs
[00:50:18] until you grew up
[00:50:20] and you had a man
[00:50:22] like very weird, very creepy yuck
[00:50:24] but that's all I knew growing up
[00:50:26] like my dad was supposed to
[00:50:28] like
[00:50:30] I guess
[00:50:32] emotionally validate you
[00:50:34] as a female
[00:50:36] you were supposed to
[00:50:38] be able to keep his attention
[00:50:40] you were supposed to be
[00:50:42] someone he was proud of
[00:50:44] you were supposed to be someone he would love and protect
[00:50:46] and I didn't get that
[00:50:48] I never got that from Rick
[00:50:50] so the first verse is kind of a contemplation
[00:50:53] of
[00:50:55] that conundrum of
[00:50:57] the culture I'm in here in the cult
[00:50:59] says that my dad should
[00:51:01] view me in this very specific way
[00:51:03] that I have never been able to achieve
[00:51:05] and it really took growing up
[00:51:07] and getting away and realizing like
[00:51:09] I was the ticking time bomb to the family
[00:51:11] because I had the deep dark secret
[00:51:13] of course I was never going to be
[00:51:15] like their favorite
[00:51:17] kid that they were fascinated by
[00:51:19] I was trouble, I was danger
[00:51:21] I had the ability
[00:51:23] to bring the whole family down
[00:51:25] not all that should have been directed at Andy
[00:51:27] but it wasn't, it was directed
[00:51:29] at me so the first verse to me is
[00:51:31] kind of like a contemplation of
[00:51:33] that weird dynamic within the cult
[00:51:35] that
[00:51:37] put a lot of emphasis on this
[00:51:41] father-daughter relationship
[00:51:43] when we get to the chorus
[00:51:45] and there's the whole part about
[00:51:47] you never came for me
[00:51:49] you should have taken me away
[00:51:51] you turned in rim for me
[00:51:53] you never came to save the day
[00:51:55] you weren't my hero
[00:51:57] like the dad in the
[00:51:59] cult was all of those things he was the umbrella
[00:52:01] of protection he was the strong one
[00:52:03] the protector, the hero
[00:52:05] dads I don't know how else to say
[00:52:07] dads were so hyped up
[00:52:09] in the ideology
[00:52:11] of the cult
[00:52:13] it was your dad's job to basically
[00:52:15] save you from anything
[00:52:17] that could go wrong and if you were being a good daughter
[00:52:19] who was being a good dad nothing bad was going to happen to you
[00:52:21] so there was this huge
[00:52:23] like hero complex
[00:52:25] with fathers in the cult
[00:52:27] and when I get to the last line
[00:52:29] I was not your little girl
[00:52:31] another really hard realization growing up
[00:52:33] and reaching my mid 20s which is where
[00:52:35] the age I was when I wrote this song
[00:52:37] at that point my friends had
[00:52:39] they were starting to have kids
[00:52:41] and I was watching how my friends
[00:52:43] interacted with their children
[00:52:45] and the steps they took to protect their children
[00:52:47] fiercely
[00:52:49] they loved their kids
[00:52:51] and realizing like oh I never
[00:52:53] got that
[00:52:55] I wasn't in any other
[00:52:57] non-cult part of the world
[00:52:59] when you think about your little boy
[00:53:01] your little girl and just the love you have for them
[00:53:03] and the way you would protect them
[00:53:05] and the way you would die for them
[00:53:07] Rick couldn't even sacrifice his reputation
[00:53:09] for me let alone give his life
[00:53:11] and it wasn't even his reputation
[00:53:13] but you know what I mean like Andy did it
[00:53:15] well but Rick felt like it reflected on him
[00:53:17] as the father because again
[00:53:19] like weird dynamics of fatherhood in the cult
[00:53:21] he couldn't even
[00:53:23] he couldn't even take a hit to
[00:53:25] that to protect me from getting raped
[00:53:27] all the time
[00:53:29] so that when I say I was not your little girl
[00:53:31] that was me realizing like
[00:53:33] this no
[00:53:35] like when you have a child
[00:53:37] and you love your child
[00:53:39] you're gonna do whatever it takes to keep your child safe
[00:53:41] and
[00:53:43] as I wrote that song it was kind of me like
[00:53:45] letting go of
[00:53:49] my wish
[00:53:51] that my dad had loved me like that
[00:53:53] let me think if that's the right way to say it
[00:53:57] maybe not my wish
[00:53:59] maybe a more accurate way to say it is
[00:54:01] it was me letting go of
[00:54:03] this hope I'd held out for my whole life
[00:54:05] that my dad would do that
[00:54:07] and just accepting him
[00:54:09] for who he was and what he was capable of
[00:54:11] and he wasn't capable of being my dad
[00:54:13] and it was just as simple as that
[00:54:15] and I think another heartbreaking line
[00:54:17] in that chorus that was so true
[00:54:19] was
[00:54:21] you turned and ran from me like not only could he
[00:54:23] not love and protect me
[00:54:25] he actively ran away from me
[00:54:27] when I needed him
[00:54:29] and that god like that's
[00:54:31] such an intense heartbreak
[00:54:33] as someone's child
[00:54:35] and in the second verse when I talk about
[00:54:37] all the wasted years I can't get back
[00:54:39] trying to get this affection
[00:54:41] and protection
[00:54:43] from my dad
[00:54:45] I did, you know it wasn't just
[00:54:47] my childhood it was into my early
[00:54:49] adulthood where I was
[00:54:51] actively trying to chase down
[00:54:53] my father's validation and love
[00:54:55] and protection because like based on
[00:54:57] everything I knew growing up in the cult
[00:54:59] that's what I should have gotten
[00:55:01] had I been a good daughter
[00:55:03] and as much as I tried
[00:55:05] as much as I tried to
[00:55:07] be a good daughter while
[00:55:09] you know not completely
[00:55:11] sacrificing my values
[00:55:13] he was unreachable like I could not
[00:55:15] break through that man's pride
[00:55:17] there was nothing I could do to access
[00:55:19] him because he was too unhealthy
[00:55:21] and unsafe to be accessed
[00:55:23] he was inaccessible
[00:55:25] and that
[00:55:27] was a him problem, not a me problem
[00:55:29] and it took me until about the time I wrote
[00:55:31] the song to realize that was a him problem
[00:55:33] and not a me problem so while this
[00:55:35] was an excruciating painful
[00:55:37] song to write and excruciating emotions
[00:55:39] to process it was also very healing
[00:55:41] and very freeing and very freeing to
[00:55:43] finally like get my head wrapped around
[00:55:45] what was actually going on
[00:55:47] and the truth of the matter
[00:55:49] and in The Bridge when I talk about
[00:55:51] growing up and realizing
[00:55:53] I wasn't the light of his eye or the sun
[00:55:55] in his sky that's a call
[00:55:57] back to how he told
[00:55:59] me I was sunshine and
[00:56:01] another really hard realization I had
[00:56:03] during that time was that that was just
[00:56:05] I don't know what that was
[00:56:07] for him but it wasn't true
[00:56:09] maybe I did serve a role
[00:56:11] in the family as you know the diplomat
[00:56:13] the mediator the energizer bunny
[00:56:15] but
[00:56:17] if someone is actually
[00:56:19] the sunshine you're gonna fight to keep him
[00:56:21] around and
[00:56:23] that line was me acknowledging that that was a thing
[00:56:25] he said not
[00:56:27] something he stood behind or would take
[00:56:29] action on and then just
[00:56:31] you know the way this song wraps up
[00:56:33] you should have come from me you could
[00:56:35] have taken me away but you turned
[00:56:37] it in for me again that
[00:56:39] goes back to watching my friends
[00:56:41] you know grow up and have kids
[00:56:43] and just watching their parenting
[00:56:45] style and realizing a good
[00:56:47] parent when they find out their little girls
[00:56:49] getting raped they're gonna they're gonna wrap
[00:56:51] them up in the biggest hug and they are going
[00:56:53] to run them across the world
[00:56:55] to safety if necessary
[00:56:57] and that
[00:56:59] was never something rick was going to
[00:57:01] do it was never even an option
[00:57:03] that probably crossed his mind
[00:57:05] to protect me like that
[00:57:07] and if you're wondering why the song was about rick
[00:57:09] and not about chris again
[00:57:11] that goes back to cult ideology
[00:57:13] that I was grappling with as I wrote this song
[00:57:15] like the mom wasn't your protector the mom
[00:57:17] wasn't your umbrella protection like the buck stopped
[00:57:19] with dad and
[00:57:21] dad was supposed to be the one
[00:57:23] who had your back and dad was supposed to be the one
[00:57:25] who protected you and dad was supposed to be the one
[00:57:27] who made sure you knew you were
[00:57:29] loved and valued
[00:57:31] and
[00:57:33] that was something I never got from rick
[00:57:35] so that's why the song
[00:57:37] is about rick and now we're
[00:57:39] gonna jump forward quite a bit
[00:57:41] more the next song was actually
[00:57:43] professionally produced it's available
[00:57:45] anywhere you stream music
[00:57:47] but it's called the last goodbye
[00:57:49] and I wrote this one
[00:57:51] after my divorce
[00:57:53] as I
[00:57:55] drove away I was stationed in
[00:57:57] Texas my ex and I were both in the military
[00:57:59] active duty at the time we were both stationed
[00:58:01] in Texas and we got
[00:58:03] divorced and I got transferred
[00:58:05] to Colorado a couple months later
[00:58:07] and as I drove
[00:58:09] away from Texas I realized like here it goes again
[00:58:11] I am walking away
[00:58:13] from this person I
[00:58:15] loved tremendously at one point
[00:58:17] in my life who is so harmful
[00:58:19] to me and I'm probably
[00:58:21] never going to see them again
[00:58:23] and I don't know if this was safe or not
[00:58:25] but I recorded little bits
[00:58:27] of it and wrote it as I drove
[00:58:29] across the country
[00:58:31] I recorded it on my phone as voice memos
[00:58:33] initially just to keep the lyrics
[00:58:35] and melody kind of as they came
[00:58:37] to me and then when I got to my airbnb in Colorado
[00:58:39] I actually
[00:58:41] put it all together and finished composing it
[00:58:43] and I have a really funny story about that
[00:58:45] but first let me play this song
[00:58:47] for you it's called the last goodbye
[00:58:49] and I wrote it in
[00:58:51] 2019
[00:59:25] I'm starting to forget
[00:59:27] the smell
[00:59:29] of your skin
[00:59:31] I'm starting to forget
[00:59:33] how I could love
[00:59:35] you so
[00:59:41] this is the last goodbye
[00:59:45] you'll never hear me
[00:59:47] cry again
[00:59:51] you were the love
[00:59:53] of my life
[00:59:57] now you're a ghost
[00:59:59] against my skin
[01:00:01] how did this happen
[01:00:03] how could you leave me
[01:00:07] I feel the darkness
[01:00:09] creeping in
[01:00:13] this is the last goodbye
[01:00:17] I'll never see
[01:00:19] your face again
[01:00:21] I'm trying to forget
[01:00:34] all the lies you told me
[01:00:36] I'm trying to forget
[01:00:38] all the nights you wouldn't hold me
[01:00:40] I'm trying to forget
[01:00:42] the way you looked
[01:00:44] at
[01:00:46] I'm trying to reclaim
[01:00:53] all the years I gave you
[01:00:55] I'm trying to forgive
[01:00:57] the things that you made me do
[01:00:59] to prove to you
[01:01:01] that I was
[01:01:03] so
[01:01:05] that I was
[01:01:07] on your side
[01:01:09] this is the last goodbye
[01:01:17] you'll never hear me
[01:01:19] cry again
[01:01:21] you were the love
[01:01:23] of my life
[01:01:25] now you're a ghost
[01:01:27] against my skin
[01:01:31] how did this happen
[01:01:33] how could you leave me
[01:01:35] I feel the darkness
[01:01:37] creeping in
[01:01:39] this is the last goodbye
[01:01:43] never see
[01:01:47] your face again
[01:01:51] again
[01:01:57] you were my
[01:01:59] everything
[01:02:01] I was your in between
[01:02:03] I lost my heart
[01:02:05] and so to find you
[01:02:07] darling I could never make you
[01:02:09] see me standing
[01:02:11] here with all my doubts
[01:02:13] and fears
[01:02:15] but I know I gave
[01:02:17] this is the last goodbye
[01:02:29] never hear me
[01:02:34] cry
[01:02:38] you were the love
[01:02:40] of my life
[01:02:42] now you're a ghost
[01:02:44] against my skin
[01:02:46] tonight may resolve
[01:02:48] the morning
[01:02:50] is breaking
[01:02:52] my heart will heal
[01:02:54] from loving you
[01:02:56] this is the last goodbye
[01:03:00] you'll never
[01:03:02] see my face again
[01:03:26] so when I say that writing music is how I process my emotions
[01:03:28] here's how serious I am about it
[01:03:30] I had a keyboard
[01:03:32] by this time I'd sold my little
[01:03:34] car and when I left
[01:03:36] Texas I didn't have somewhere to live yet in Colorado
[01:03:38] because military
[01:03:40] moves there a whole thing
[01:03:42] so all my stuff was in Texas
[01:03:44] and I drove out
[01:03:46] to Colorado
[01:03:48] with a little SUV full of
[01:03:50] stuff I needed to get through for
[01:03:52] a couple months while I found a place to live
[01:03:54] and I had scheduled an Airbnb
[01:03:56] and I had specifically made
[01:03:58] sure that my car could fit
[01:04:00] my keyboard case
[01:04:02] because I needed it with me because
[01:04:04] I'd just been through a divorce
[01:04:06] I was writing a lot of music as I processed
[01:04:08] a lot of my feelings
[01:04:10] and so I get to Colorado
[01:04:12] I get to the Airbnb
[01:04:14] the way that one worked is I was renting
[01:04:16] a part of a house from a couple who lived there
[01:04:18] full time
[01:04:20] and they had told me like hey when you get there
[01:04:22] we're not gonna be there for the first week or two
[01:04:24] we're gonna be on vacation
[01:04:26] so you'll have the house to yourself whatever
[01:04:28] so I get there and I'm like cool I have the house to myself
[01:04:30] and I'm like crying my guts out
[01:04:32] I'm you know playing
[01:04:34] music all the time
[01:04:36] writing music I was
[01:04:38] sobbing my way through writing this particular song
[01:04:40] like I was a wreck that's the best way to put it
[01:04:42] like I was a wreck and I think I'm alone in this house
[01:04:44] right like I think it's just me
[01:04:46] in this house well
[01:04:48] as it turns out
[01:04:52] the house had
[01:04:54] a finished basement apartment with its own private
[01:04:56] entrance that the couple
[01:04:58] also used as an Airbnb
[01:05:00] and there were people staying there the whole time
[01:05:02] so I don't know
[01:05:04] how much of my sobbing and crying
[01:05:06] and you know playing really
[01:05:08] loud on my keyboard as I wrote
[01:05:10] songs about heartbreak they overheard
[01:05:12] but I just try not to think about it
[01:05:14] and it's one of those memories
[01:05:16] that you know just
[01:05:18] haunts me to this day
[01:05:20] it's fine this is
[01:05:22] fine but that's that's how I wrote that song
[01:05:24] and something very interesting is
[01:05:26] there there's so many
[01:05:28] similarities so the reason I chose that
[01:05:30] particular song to play is I feel like
[01:05:32] there are so many similarities between that song
[01:05:34] about my divorce and my songs about losing
[01:05:36] my family like realizing wow this
[01:05:38] is toxic this isn't good for me I got to
[01:05:40] walk away walking away is hard
[01:05:42] I love this person but they're not safe
[01:05:44] they're not good for me
[01:05:46] and I need to go be safe
[01:05:48] and be loved and be free of this bad
[01:05:50] stuff and
[01:05:52] here's the weird thing like yes
[01:05:54] divorce was hard divorce is hard it is tragic
[01:05:56] I cried a lot it was
[01:05:58] it was not easy there was a lot
[01:06:00] of grief but it was not as
[01:06:02] hard as losing my family
[01:06:04] and I
[01:06:06] thought about this a lot over the years
[01:06:08] because that song that I just played was written in 2019
[01:06:10] and
[01:06:12] I think by the time I lost my immediate
[01:06:14] and extended family like that was
[01:06:16] dozens of people I was
[01:06:18] so accustomed
[01:06:20] to heartbreak and losing people I
[01:06:22] loved and people I had expected would be
[01:06:24] in my life for the rest of my life
[01:06:26] that the divorce was just like oh here
[01:06:28] here we go again like this is
[01:06:30] another one but hey it's only one person
[01:06:32] this time instead of dozens and
[01:06:34] so that was interesting and I feel like
[01:06:36] I recovered a lot faster as
[01:06:38] hard as that is and as bad as it sounds
[01:06:40] I recovered from my divorce so
[01:06:42] quickly
[01:06:44] compared to
[01:06:46] losing my family or like kind of comparing
[01:06:48] notes with other people who have been through divorce
[01:06:50] without having lost their entire family system before
[01:06:52] I feel like it helped me
[01:06:54] get through the whole thing better
[01:06:56] and faster because I had a lot of practice
[01:06:58] I had a lot of practice with
[01:07:00] heartbreak I had a lot of practice going no
[01:07:02] contact with harmful people
[01:07:04] and as hard as
[01:07:06] it was and as much as it hurt
[01:07:08] I feel like how that song ends
[01:07:10] kind of on a high note well
[01:07:12] not literally but in terms
[01:07:14] of the lyrics
[01:07:16] I got to that point of like hey I'm going
[01:07:18] to get through this I'm going to heal
[01:07:20] I'm going to move forward with my life it's going
[01:07:22] to be okay like I got there so much faster
[01:07:24] after my divorce
[01:07:26] because I had just
[01:07:28] you know for the previous
[01:07:30] four years been through
[01:07:32] or five years been through the bloodbath of
[01:07:34] losing my whole family and my whole family system
[01:07:36] so
[01:07:38] that was
[01:07:40] interesting for me because I knew at the time
[01:07:42] like I could feel it I could tell as I was going
[01:07:44] through the heartbreak of the divorce
[01:07:46] and the grief and the healing process that like
[01:07:48] is it
[01:07:50] supposed to be like this is it supposed to be this
[01:07:52] like not truly easy but comparatively
[01:07:54] relatively easy
[01:07:56] and I truly think it was because
[01:07:58] I just had a lot of practice
[01:08:00] with heartbreak and losing people
[01:08:02] at that point in my life so
[01:08:04] I really like that song because it was
[01:08:08] it was the most honest I'd ever been up to that point
[01:08:10] about my relationship
[01:08:12] the marriage that
[01:08:14] ended and you know I said
[01:08:16] stuff in there like
[01:08:18] I'm trying to forget the way you looked at her
[01:08:20] and that was specifically a reference
[01:08:22] to the strip clubs
[01:08:24] and the friends that he had told me he wanted
[01:08:26] to sleep with and
[01:08:28] the woman who shoe I'm pretty sure I found
[01:08:30] in his car because I recognized it
[01:08:32] and it was the right size as one of my
[01:08:34] best friends at the time
[01:08:36] and so
[01:08:38] it was
[01:08:40] yeah there was a lot going
[01:08:42] on but my big take
[01:08:44] away from that is that I was learning how
[01:08:46] to recover and get to
[01:08:48] okay whatever happened whatever
[01:08:50] people around me do
[01:08:52] I've got me and I'm gonna love myself and I'm
[01:08:54] gonna take care of myself and I'm gonna grieve
[01:08:56] and I'm gonna heal and this is not
[01:08:58] the end of my life I'm gonna get through this
[01:09:00] and I'm gonna go on to be happy
[01:09:02] again and to live fully
[01:09:04] and to love fully and
[01:09:06] to have a life
[01:09:08] that I like
[01:09:10] and that I'm proud of
[01:09:12] so since we've
[01:09:14] we've slogged through a lot of rough
[01:09:16] I'm gonna play a happy song
[01:09:18] this is a song
[01:09:20] I wrote in
[01:09:22] 2022 so Kyle and I eloped
[01:09:24] because I was too sick
[01:09:26] to have
[01:09:28] a regular wedding that year
[01:09:30] the next year you know I'd had
[01:09:32] surgery by that point so in 2023
[01:09:34] we had a wedding celebration with family and friends
[01:09:36] and I did write a song for that but
[01:09:38] I have a video of that one so I will
[01:09:40] post that on social media sometime
[01:09:42] this week but this song it's called
[01:09:44] Now I wrote it in 2022
[01:09:46] and I had it professionally recorded
[01:09:48] a couple notes about this one
[01:09:50] I wanted it to sound super wedding-ish
[01:09:52] so you'll hear
[01:09:54] that in the style
[01:09:56] the second thing was
[01:09:58] I didn't tell Kyle Kyle had no idea
[01:10:00] I'd written it he didn't know I'd gone
[01:10:02] and recorded it I played it
[01:10:04] for him
[01:10:06] after our little ceremony when we eloped
[01:10:08] we had a first dance
[01:10:10] to this song and that was the first
[01:10:12] he ever knew of it
[01:10:14] it was the first time he heard it so that was a really special moment
[01:10:16] and then the third thing
[01:10:18] you'll notice about this song is that
[01:10:20] I sing it a little differently I was
[01:10:22] very ill at this time
[01:10:24] in my life I was having trouble breathing
[01:10:26] so I was having trouble getting air
[01:10:28] into my lungs and singing
[01:10:30] was really hard so I called the guy
[01:10:32] who produced it and I was like
[01:10:34] I can't breathe but I want to sing this song
[01:10:36] and record it for Kyle as a surprise
[01:10:38] he was like
[01:10:40] okay and I was like it's gonna be fine
[01:10:42] it's gonna be fine it's fine I won't faint
[01:10:44] but if I faint here's what to do
[01:10:46] he was like okay
[01:10:48] so he was really cool about it
[01:10:50] and I didn't faint
[01:10:52] but I was having trouble breathing
[01:10:54] and you'll probably be able to hear that
[01:10:56] but I really love this song
[01:10:58] it's kind of an ode to just life is
[01:11:00] life is crazy it's unpredictable
[01:11:02] it's the things that we pray so hard
[01:11:04] for and we want them to
[01:11:06] work out and we try so hard to make them
[01:11:08] work when they don't and then
[01:11:10] life unfolds and we see what was waiting
[01:11:12] for us on the other side of that heartbreak
[01:11:14] it's like oh now I understand
[01:11:16] now I get it I'm glad
[01:11:18] I'm glad those other things didn't happen
[01:11:20] because now I have this
[01:11:22] and so this is
[01:11:24] this is a very wedding
[01:11:26] wedding-y song and
[01:11:28] it's called Now I Wrote It
[01:11:30] in 2022 and I hope you enjoy it
[01:12:10] Thank God for all the things
[01:12:12] I prayed for that
[01:12:14] I do not have
[01:12:16] And thank God
[01:12:18] for all the roads
[01:12:20] I need to turn back
[01:12:22] because I have you
[01:12:24] now
[01:12:26] and I can't think
[01:12:28] how
[01:12:32] I can't think
[01:12:34] how
[01:12:36] I can't think
[01:12:38] how
[01:12:40] my life would feel without
[01:12:42] things I prayed for
[01:12:44] that I do not have
[01:12:52] like the sun
[01:12:54] I look at
[01:13:08] your breaks done
[01:13:10] because you are
[01:13:17] everything I need
[01:13:19] more than
[01:13:21] everything I dreamed
[01:13:23] and I know
[01:13:25] what is saved
[01:13:27] with you
[01:13:32] means I prayed for
[01:13:38] that I do not have
[01:13:40] roads to walk down
[01:13:42] only to turn back
[01:13:49] because I have you
[01:13:51] now
[01:13:53] and I can't think
[01:13:56] how I could feel without
[01:13:58] your love
[01:14:03] cause I am
[01:14:05] wild and free with you
[01:14:07] nothing
[01:14:09] that I can't
[01:14:11] pray for
[01:14:19] that I do not have
[01:14:21] you
[01:14:23] now
[01:14:29] more than
[01:14:37] everything I prayed for
[01:14:46] and I have you
[01:15:18] I wrote another one
[01:15:20] and again surprised him
[01:15:22] and I will post the video
[01:15:24] of that one
[01:15:26] it is not from the wedding
[01:15:28] it is from the day after the
[01:15:30] wedding celebration because
[01:15:32] I was crying so much I had trouble getting through the song at the actual reception
[01:15:34] but
[01:15:36] you will notice a couple things
[01:15:38] one is that in the song now
[01:15:40] and then the one I will post on social media
[01:15:42] I do reference things like God
[01:15:44] and prayer
[01:15:46] and I have had so many questions about what I believe about stuff
[01:15:48] and not to get into all of that again
[01:15:50] but I still think you can
[01:15:52] have a robust spiritual life
[01:15:54] even if you are not a Christian
[01:15:56] or part of
[01:15:58] a large and recognized religion
[01:16:00] I really do think
[01:16:02] that
[01:16:04] there is guidance
[01:16:06] and hope and all sorts of stuff
[01:16:08] so you will still see those themes in my music
[01:16:10] it is just not Bill Gothard's shit
[01:16:12] another thing
[01:16:14] about
[01:16:16] the song that I will post on social media
[01:16:18] that is what I wanted to say
[01:16:20] I reference my mama
[01:16:22] in the chorus of the song
[01:16:24] I am going to post on social media
[01:16:26] that is my adoptive mom
[01:16:28] that is not chris
[01:16:30] I don't think anyone would think it is chris
[01:16:32] but if you have that question
[01:16:34] when you hear that song
[01:16:36] that is what it is about
[01:16:38] and the story about
[01:16:40] you will see I am playing guitar
[01:16:42] I will post on social media
[01:16:44] but I don't play guitar
[01:16:46] I don't know how to play guitar
[01:16:48] I am a pianist
[01:16:50] and I was at this antique shop
[01:16:52] I don't know like a month or two before the wedding celebration
[01:16:54] last year
[01:16:56] and there was this blue guitar
[01:16:58] and I was like it could be something blue
[01:17:00] that would be so cool
[01:17:02] something old, something new, something borrowed
[01:17:04] something blue thing for brides
[01:17:06] I was like it could be
[01:17:08] my something blue
[01:17:10] I don't know how to play guitar
[01:17:12] it is fine, I will learn the chords
[01:17:14] I need to learn for this song
[01:17:16] it is fine
[01:17:18] I am not a guitarist
[01:17:20] I just kind of strummed a couple chords
[01:17:22] and I had to sing the song
[01:17:24] with the couple chords I could sing
[01:17:26] but it is fine
[01:17:28] and Kyle didn't know
[01:17:30] we surprised him
[01:17:32] one of my bridesmaids smuggled the guitar
[01:17:34] out to the reception
[01:17:36] we had it at our property
[01:17:38] everyone cried
[01:17:40] and it was just
[01:17:42] it was a really special
[01:17:44] special moment
[01:17:46] but that's why there is a random blue guitar
[01:17:48] that I don't totally know how to play
[01:17:50] in that video
[01:17:52] that I'll post
[01:17:54] and I want to wrap up this episode
[01:17:56] with a song I wrote in
[01:17:58] 2022
[01:18:00] I was really, really sick
[01:18:02] 2021, 22
[01:18:04] a lot of 23
[01:18:06] and like staying alive
[01:18:08] and surviving until
[01:18:10] I separated from the military and was able to go
[01:18:12] get the medical care I needed
[01:18:14] that almost didn't happen
[01:18:16] I
[01:18:18] it was just a really, really bad time
[01:18:20] of my life
[01:18:22] I was in so much physical agony
[01:18:26] for the Harry Potter
[01:18:28] nerds out there I felt like I was having the
[01:18:30] cruciatus curse administered 24-7
[01:18:32] for like
[01:18:34] a year and a half and I thought
[01:18:36] I was going to lose my mind
[01:18:38] from how much pain I was in
[01:18:40] and I was severely
[01:18:42] restricted in terms of mobility
[01:18:44] through that time I was having trouble breathing
[01:18:46] it was just it was really, really, really bad
[01:18:48] and I got
[01:18:50] to a horrible place with my mental health
[01:18:52] it was
[01:18:54] the lowest I'd been since childhood
[01:18:56] through that period of my life
[01:18:58] and I wrote a song
[01:19:00] for myself
[01:19:02] and for my friends
[01:19:04] who also struggle with chronic illness
[01:19:06] but mostly to
[01:19:08] remind myself that
[01:19:10] I was going to make it
[01:19:12] and it was going to be okay
[01:19:14] so
[01:19:16] I want to leave you with
[01:19:18] this song it's called
[01:19:20] Candles and this one
[01:19:22] I called the guy who was producing my song
[01:19:24] his name is also Kyle
[01:19:26] but not our Kyle, different Kyle
[01:19:28] and I told him like
[01:19:30] hey I've got this song
[01:19:32] I can't sing right now
[01:19:34] like the whole breathing thing
[01:19:36] I still have tons of trouble breathing
[01:19:38] this was after I recorded now
[01:19:40] I believe and
[01:19:42] I want to lay down all the instrument tracks
[01:19:44] for this
[01:19:46] and I can do like a
[01:19:48] scratch vocal but it's not the vocal
[01:19:50] like this one needs to be sung
[01:19:52] kind of belting
[01:19:54] style which
[01:19:56] oh gosh I'm using nerd terms again
[01:19:58] sideways style you know how like
[01:20:00] when they sing really loud and strong
[01:20:02] it's super powerful that's called
[01:20:04] belting
[01:20:06] it's a vocal style
[01:20:08] so I couldn't do that at the time
[01:20:10] I could barely breathe enough to sing quietly
[01:20:12] so the instrumentals on this one
[01:20:14] I love it, I think it's so happy
[01:20:16] and hopeful
[01:20:18] I did all the instrumentals except the drums
[01:20:20] and the guitar other Kyle did those
[01:20:22] he did a phenomenal job
[01:20:24] and then I've got some sick Amanda
[01:20:26] and I have a lot of vocals on top of it
[01:20:28] and hopefully you'll be able to hear all the words okay
[01:20:30] I might go ahead and post those
[01:20:32] in the description and my dream
[01:20:34] is that when life settles down
[01:20:36] after all this move
[01:20:38] and if I can fit it in with my PhD stuff
[01:20:40] I want to go back to the studio
[01:20:42] and I want to record the real vocals
[01:20:44] for the song and I want to like
[01:20:46] belt it to the heavens
[01:20:48] so to end this episode
[01:20:50] thanks for coming on this journey with me
[01:20:52] I hope you enjoyed it
[01:20:54] more insight that maybe you might not get from our normal episodes.
[01:20:57] If you want to listen to the songs now or the last goodbye,
[01:21:02] you can find them anywhere you stream music, but they are under the name AJ
[01:21:07] Briggs. That's what I go by for music stuff.
[01:21:11] So in the meantime though, here is the song Candles.
[01:21:15] I hope you enjoy it. I hope it encourages you,
[01:21:18] especially if you're having a rough time right now,
[01:21:21] have a great week and we will be back next Monday.
[01:22:07] I'm so angry rubbing your face in what is not true.
[01:22:18] Our love for being ever so brave and true.
[01:22:41] There's so much more than meaning for your smile being.
[01:22:54] The words that you hear can scream out louder
[01:23:05] than people who live consume.
[01:23:08] Larger than anything you can tell yourself.
[01:23:20] Know that the words are screaming in silence.
[01:23:25] Hatching your heart, your true story.
[01:23:30] So what about your self? Falling in spite of all the two.
[01:24:24] It's stranger loving. You can feel like danger,
[01:24:28] but you are too.
[01:24:36] Decide which voice is louder.
[01:24:39] So walk in and say to yourself.
[01:24:49] You are dating children on the floor.