The subtle burden of resilience
Written by Amanda Briggs | Originally published on Medium on February 14, 2022, now updated and archived here for ongoing access
We live in a fast-paced world that rewards survival. There are many problems with this norm, but one of the worst is that survival often leads to mental health crises. A mental health crisis is hard on anyone, but it seems they can hit the strong people extra hard because strong people are supposed to be, well, strong. Resilient. Able to cope with anything. So when a strong person has a mental health crisis, it’s easy for it to also turn into an identity crisis.
I am in a mental health crisis right now. Some severe medical issues I have been trying to get addressed for about nine months have come to a crisis point where I am feeling lost, depressed, and anxious. That’s another story for another day, but the bottom line is my mental health is degraded to a point that I haven’t experienced since I was a young adult going through mental health treatment for childhood sexual assault.
Over many years and much growing, learning, and effort, I have realized there is nothing wrong with strong, resilient people having mental health crises. We are all going to face tough times; that’s normal. The difference is all in how you handle it, and there is a massive difference between surviving and being resilient.
People who are in a survival state often find themselves enslaved to the expectations of other people, a system, or an institution. Survival does not lend itself to introspection, discovery, growth, and evolution. Survival is when you put your head down and just gut out whatever is going on because you cannot see another option. You don’t speak up, no one knows you’re suffering, and the pain accumulates over time. Each phase of life you survive stacks up in one big heap that threatens to swallow you whole.
Resilience and strength are cultivated through intentional pauses to discover, recalibrate, and grow. The heap of life gets cleaned up at each phase instead of stacking up. We become more resilient as we learn to honor the truth of what we are going through and believe we are worthy of addressing it. If you find yourself pausing in the middle of a mental health crisis to evaluate, be honest, and get some help, congratulations. You are demonstrating strength and resilience. You are going to come out of this time better, healthier, more capable, and even more badass than you already are.
As my medical issues mounted and my mental health degraded, I recognized I was in a survival pattern and made the choice to switch to an intentional pause to discover, recalibrate, and rest. I had some honest conversations with my boss, my husband, and the people closest to me as I made some significant adjustments to get through this time.
I do have some rules for myself as I pause and heal:
1. I am not allowed to hurt others from my own hurt.
2. If I do hurt someone, I will apologize and take ownership of my actions.
3. I will not fake being OK just to make others comfortable.
4. I will be honest with those closest to me regarding my mental and emotional state.
5. I will seek help from a qualified therapist so I have professional support during this time.
6. I will go out of my way to nurture myself in a manner that serves me and is not based in guilt or trying to live up to “resilient person” expectations.
7. I will remain true to my core personality trait of caring deeply for others and will continue to show up for and support people in safe, sustainable ways during this time. I will also say no if I need to.
8. I will find safe, sustainable ways to nurture my relationship with my fiancé and my very closest friends and family during this time of turning inward and focusing on myself.
There is something incredibly healing and empowering about knowing you are a capable person who is choosing not to perform to your fullest potential so you can rest, heal, and evolve. Sometimes strength is stepping down, stepping back, slowing down, taking a longer road, or completely reworking goals. Sometimes strength is knowing you could find it within yourself to keep surviving and doing more but having the wisdom to recognize you shouldn’t because life is a much longer game than the current project at work. Sometimes strength is a quiet confidence within yourself that you owe no one an explanation for why you, the high-power over-achiever, are taking a break from high-power achievement.
And as a strong, resilient person, you do have some helpful things going for you when you hit rock bottom. Here are a few examples:
1. You are less likely to get to the point of suicidal ideation because you have healthy coping mechanisms in place such as…
Safe people in whom you can confide
You’ve overcome your fear of going to therapy and are more likely to schedule an appointment
You’re able to be vulnerable with the people closest to you regarding what you’re going through
You have healthy boundaries that keep you out of triggering situations
2. Self-awareness
Early identification that something is wrong
Ability to put words to feelings
Ability to identify and ask for what you need from work, friends, family, partner, etc.
3. Personal history of bouncing back
Resilience and strength are forged through adversity — you have been here before
Ability to recount to yourself your strength database — everything you survived leading up to this period of life
Perspective as a survivor of pervious challenging times — things can and do get better
But as a strong, resilient person, you might also fight some uphill battles as you try to express your struggle or pain:
1. The expectations of others
“But you’re so strong”
“You’ll make it”
“You just have to push through”
“You can do anything; you just need to believe in yourself”
2. Your own expectations of yourself
“I have to be strong”
“People are counting on me”
“I can’t fail myself by slowing down now”
“I won’t achieve my goals if I stop now”
3. Stigmas associated with having boundaries and taking care of yourself
“It’s weak to say you need a break”
“Only people who are seriously messed up see a therapist”
“Everyone else is pushing through, I should be able to as well”
“Something is wrong with me”
“I’m supposed to be better than this”
Yes, there is a time and place for pushing hard to achieve goals or dreams. However, the middle of a mental health crisis is not one of those times. Pushing through when your mind and body are flashing red warning signals is not wise, strong, or resilient. It is probably better described as conditioning, stubbornness, or maybe even not loving or valuing yourself enough to give yourself what you need.
So all the tougher-than-nails, get-back-up-every-time, fight-through-anything, never-give-up, badass-warrior-type people say it together with me now:
I am not a fraud because I am a strong person having a mental health crisis. Everyone goes through tough periods, and strong, resilient people play the long game during those times.
I am allowed to be tired. This is exhausting.
I am allowed to rest. I do not have to get up right this second.
I am allowed to be sick of this situation. It sucks.
I am not fine. That is allowed.
I am strong, even when I get knocked down. I will get up again in a way and at a time that is healthy for and serves me.
The purpose of my existence is not to meet the expectations others place upon me. I can “let people down” because what matters most is being true to my values and making the choices with which I can live.
I am allowed to prioritize my own sanity and health. I matter.
Pausing to be honest, get help, and reevaluate demonstrates strength. I am adding to my strength database.
I do not owe anyone an explanation for why I am slowing down or not performing to my fullest capability during this time. My decision to honor myself where I am is my own.
And most importantly: I am enough right here, right now, in this moment when I am at my worst. I am still worthy.
If you are a resilient, strong person who finds yourself at the end of your rope right now and you are struggling your way through a dark time, I hope it helps to be reminded that you do not need to fake OK-ness and keep surviving. You are worthy of a break, of kindness, of rest, of truth-telling, of not pushing through no matter the cost, of pausing to recalibrate, of figuring out a new and better way forward, of saying no, of prioritizing yourself.
You will get back up; don’t you worry about that. It will happen. For now, there’s beauty in the pauses. In the honesty. In the rediscovery. In the vulnerability.
Friend, you are worthy. And you will be OK.