Sometimes we must unlearn to move forward
Written by Amanda Briggs | Originally published on Medium on March 2, 2022, now updated and archived here for ongoing access
It is tough navigating relationships after being with a narcissist. I didn’t realize how much fog I had lived in until my ex moved out and we got a divorce. I could see more clearly, but there was so much to learn and even more to unlearn. I stumbled my way through dating for three years before I found my way into a healthy, safe relationship. Here is what I learned to look for:
1. Simple, everyday honesty
Learning to trust again after being in a narcissistic relationship can be difficult. I have learned it’s the small, everyday moments that help build trust.
This might look like: Clarifying details, not exaggerating, accurately portraying themselves in the stories they tell you even if doing so does not present them at their best, not using excessive filters on social media posts, and checking in with you to ensure they are communicating their intent clearly.
This should not look like: Humble bragging, constantly telling you how trustworthy they are, or questioning why you don’t trust them more.
2. Ownership
Safe people take responsibility for their words and actions. They are able to pinpoint why what they did was wrong and be held accountable for it.
This might look like: Being able to admit when they are wrong, apologizing, and taking steps to make things right. They learn from their mistakes and do better next time, and they actively avoid putting you through the same pain again and again.
This should not look like: Taking on your mistakes or blaming themselves for everything that is wrong in the relationship.
3. Self-love
I remain firmly convinced that self-love is the most crucial characteristic of a healthy person. We must love and accept ourselves before we can fully love and accept others.
This might look like: Calm confidence in their worthiness, kind statements to and about themselves, grace and forgiveness directed toward themselves, investing in themselves, believing in their own potential or ability, and believing they are worthy of love from themselves and others.
This should not look like: Self-aggrandizing statements, constant boasting, “I’m the best” mentalities, or deep conviction that they are “special,” “different,” or “better” than everyone else.
4. Solid listening skills
Feeling heard and cared about is an essential component of a healthy relationship. It is OK to have the expectation that your partner will listen with empathy.
This might look like: Creating a safe space in which you know you will not be judged or have your words used against you. It looks like validating and normalizing your feelings as you share them. It can be questions like “Do you need to vent, or would you like me to provide feedback regarding what you’re saying?”
This should not look like: One-upping, incessant interruptions, or making everything you say about them.
5. Boundaries
This one goes both ways — they will have healthy boundaries with you, and they will accept and honor the healthy boundaries you place. Having and enforcing boundaries will bring you closer together as you discuss and honor each other’s wants and needs. The conversations about boundaries will create intimacy and trust between you.
This might look like: Clearly communicating their boundaries and sharing why those boundaries exist and are important to them. Holding you accountable when you cross their boundaries, but doing so kindly. Asking you what your boundaries are and committing to honoring them.
This should not look like: Telling you you would do whatever they want if you really love them. Holding strict boundaries for what they expect of you but not honoring what you expect of them.
6. Having their own friends
This one is important — it demonstrates they have healthy baseline relationship skills. They can make and maintain friendships and have learned the art of balancing friendships with a romantic relationship.
This might look like: They don’t ditch their friends just because they got into a relationship with you. Their friends still hold an appropriate priority in their life.
This should not look like: Constantly making plans with their friends without considering the impact on you or canceling plans with you to go out with friends.
7. Growth mindset
Nobody is perfect. It isn’t reasonable or realistic to expect perfection in a relationship. However, it is reasonable and realistic to expect your partner to continue growing and evolving. A safe partner will consistently invest in becoming the best version of themselves.
This might look like: Being openminded, being willing to change, acknowledging that none of us are perfect but that it is important to pursue growth and health, and identifying areas that need improvement and doing something about it.
This should not look like: Expecting perfection of themselves or others, never being content with themselves, or thinking they will be more worthy someday instead of believing they are worthy now.
Recovering from a narcissistic relationship is a journey. Be gentle with yourself. Celebrate the wins along the way — even something as simple as recognizing a red flag on a date and not going out with that person again is a big win. Remember, we are attracted to what we are used to. If you are used to being with a narcissist, give yourself permission to learn, grow, and evolve as you unlearn the unhealthy cues and learn how to be treated well. You are worthy.