Creating intimacy with healthy independence
Written by Amanda Briggs | Originally published on Medium on March 15, 2022, now updated and archived here for ongoing access
It is easy to lose yourself in a relationship. I know I’ve done it. You meet someone, fall in love, and suddenly this person is your whole world. Their interests become your interests. You find yourself spending less and less time doing the things that make you who you are as you become wrapped up in your relationship. Maybe your friends comment they never see you anymore. Maybe the goals that were once so important dim in comparison to spending more time with the person you love.
What starts out as love, infatuation, and the dizzying joy of a new relationship can easily turn into codependency. And codependency turns toxic.
But what about the closeness you want in your relationship? I know I want to feel close to my partner. Here’s what I have learned: Intimacy does not mean spending every second together. Intimacy means you can show your heart and know it is safe to do so. Intimacy means knowing and being known. It is built through conversations and experiences, taking time to focus on each other, and having enough time with yourself and your own thoughts to bring value to your relationship. Intimacy is quality over quantity.
Kyle and I began preemptively tackling this relationship issue when we started dating. We had both had codependent relationships in the past and wanted to establish a healthy dynamic right off the bat. We landed on the concept of being incredibly intentional with our time — time together, and time apart. Here’s what this looks like for us:
Monday Night: Individual time to pursue personal hobbies, interests, and goals.
Tuesday Night: Grocery shopping and cooking dinner together (tacos, obviously).
Wednesday Night: Individual time to pursue personal hobbies, interests, and goals.
Thursday Night: Chores around the house and cooking dinner together.
Friday Night: Date night — undiluted time together during which we cultivate romance (never stop dating).
Saturday: Morning spent together working on shared hobbies or goals, individual time in the afternoon, then circle back for time together in the evening.
Sunday: Coffee date in the morning to debrief the previous week and a calendar review of the upcoming week. We talk about what is and is not working, and how to adjust so we both feel security, fulfillment, and enjoyment in the relationship. We set collective goals, update each other on individual goal progress, and work on our long-term plans. The afternoon is spent in individual time, then we circle back for intentional time together again in the evening.
There is a calendar prominently displayed in our home to reinforce this schedule and the boundaries implied. It might look incredibly scripted on paper, and in some important ways it is. In real time, it feels like a lifestyle in which we care for and cultivate ourselves as individuals so we have energy to show up to the relationship as the best versions of ourselves. Taking time for ourselves keeps things interesting — we have stuff to talk about when we’re together. It gives us a chance to look forward to the time we spend together. It prevents toxic codependency because we are simultaneously pursing ourselves and each other. We never stop dating each other, but we also never stop dating ourselves.
Of course, intentionality can go both ways. You can spend too much time together or too much time apart. The important thing is to talk about it, determine what fits best for the two of you, and commit to sticking with and adjusting the plan as necessary.
Kyle and I went through several iterations of our intentional lifestyle plan before landing on the best balance for us, our personalities, and individual and collective needs. And there’s some flexibility built in. For instance, we have an agreement that if one of us is doing poorly or urgently needs to have a conversation best had with each other instead of a friend, we have the right to ask for time together during one of our regularly scheduled individual time blocks. Or perhaps my Monday evening is spent listening to audio books while my Kyle is in another part of the house working on the video game he’s creating, but we end up coming back together for a chat or a TV show before bed because we both wrapped up our individual pursuits earlier than usual. And naturally, life happens and there are weeks when every evening is spent working on a house project or something along those lines. There is a defined and agreed upon pause for those periods of life, but we always come back to our intentional lifestyle.
The important thing is to establish an agreement to foster both personal and relational development and accept that your relationship can thrive even if you do not spend every moment together. Relationships thrive when both people show up energized and as the best version of themselves.
Being the best version of yourself usually involves personal time for reflection, relaxation, and prioritizing the things that make you who you are. It is difficult to keep learning about yourself when all your time, energy, and thoughts are wrapped up in your partner. And if you stop learning about yourself, you stagnate. And when you stagnate, your relationship stagnates.
So create time for yourself away from your partner. Create time with your friends. Create time for your hobbies. Give yourself time to think, process, and grow on your own. Also, never stop having sexy date nights where you look forward to coming back together for intentional time. Talk about the relationship and your power to turn it into something that serves both of you. Figure out the rhythm that works best for the two of you. And remember, you can love your partner with your whole heart while also loving yourself enough to keep your independence and personality as you cultivate intimacy.